struggling

Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in all the earth"

For a person who is a DOER and likes to fix things, this verse is one I struggle with incredibly.
I want to DO. I want to FIX. I want to RECONCILE.
I want to bend over backwards until everyone is pleased and feels better and likes me again.

And I pray and pray and sense the Lord telling me,
Be still.
Do what is in front of you.
Let me take care of it.

URGH! But God! I want to HELP!

And He graciously says, "Girl, I don't need your help honey. But you need Mine. Shouldn't you stop arguing with Me and start finishing those papers?"

Alright Lord.

But please please please fix it!!!

Job's blessing

I am taking an "Interpreting Wisdom Literature" class and my professor is somewhat brilliant. The class lecture today was fairly profound and very helpful; I wish I had heard this two years ago, however God in His Sovereignty decided to give it to me know.

I apologize for the length, but I hope it helps and instructs and convicts you as much as it did me. Enjoy!

March 20, 2012

Epilogue of Job 42:7-17 – God tells the three friends to ask Job to pray for them because God would accept Job’s prayer on their behalf. Job was blessed and comforted from all the evil that the Lord had allowed upon him. The Lord blessed the latter days of Job more than the earlier days. The daughters are named in the text, and given an inheritance like their brothers and noted to be the most beautiful women in the land.

When you read the summary of the restoration, the extent of the wealth, the data about his age, and the length of life; the thing in Scripture closest to the way the story of Job is wrapped up, what is most like that is the summary statements about the most important of the characters in Genesis. Particularly the summary statement of the life of Jacob. With the life of Jacob being told to us in segments of his life, and then when he dies virtually the same kind of summary statement.

But to talk about this final text, Job has seen that there is an experience more exquisite and more intense than even the harshest suffering and that experience is the presence of God in Job’s life. He recognizes at the end that this is the one thing that can never be taken away. When Job saw the Lord, and the Lord spoke to them, Job realized that the realities of life are far more complicated than are the generalities, the probabilities, and the wisdom; even the great wisdom collected by the wise and passed along. When we dip into this epilogue at the beginning, it begins with God’s verdict. And the verdict of God is that Job was true in his observations about the Lord; whereas making traditional wisdom fixed and inflexible yielded false assumptions and resulted in slander of God Himself – not to mention Job.

In Job 42:7-9, here is intercession. The first step in the restoration of Job was his intercession on behalf of those friends who had deepened his grief as he had to absorb those accusations of great sin; and rather than grieving Job was figuratively backed into a corner where he was forced to refute what he knew to be false.

This first step in his restoration was to renew his lifestyle of intercession. Prior to his great loss, the major focus of Job’s life was intercession. Look back and read Job 1 and 2. Takes a couple of minutes and then you know come back to what we are talking about now, and you will probably recognize the very careful inter-leafing of all of this into a seamless fabric. Prior to the loss of everything Job’s daily routine consisted of serious intercession on behalf of every one of his children. That intercession has been lost to him. I think it is probably not the least bit difficult to recognize the profound nature of all of this trauma; and to realize that not only did Job loose his children and his possessions, but he also lost the fundamental fabric of his life. So not only is he bereft of all that he loved, you know I suspect that he could see no way forward and certainly he could see no way back; believing his life to be forever changed.

One of the echo’s of Job found in this epilogue is the phrase, “My servant Job,” which repeats the designation of Job by the Lord in chapters 1 and 2. And Job learns that being the servant of the Lord involves an intimate relationship with God. And the Lord affirms the centrality of intercession in Job’s life. He can no longer intercede for the children he has lost. He must intercede even for those who have heightened and intensified his suffering.

Now can you see how seamlessly this can segway into the character and the conduct of Christ, and the fact that the Lord demands of His people that their character and conduct must reflect the character and the conduct of God. In terms of the length of this epilogue practically half of the verbiage is a somewhat detailed description of those things the friends of Job do to repent, plus the efficacy/ethic-acy of the intercession of Job. “I will forgive you when Job prays for you.” The beatitudes. You know, the specific details of beatitudes are reflected in Job’s own belief and behavior. And you know, make it a point to read the beatitudes as you reflect on this epilogue.

The Great Grief of Job gave way to additional wounds by those who had a duty to comfort Job. But the restoration of Job which is the remainder of the book – 42:10-17 – the restoration came once Job was as gracious to those who did not deserve it; as gracious as God Himself is gracious. Commentators including ancient rabbi’s and fathers of the early church have frequently made much of the fact that when the Lord restored Job, Job received double of everything that was taken away. Often commentators have observed that this is God’s equitable repayment to Job. If you read the Law of Moses, there is a system of repayment and reparations that often add value to the value of what was lost. For instance, if any kind of crime – crime against property, or crime against persons – when that kind of debt was repaid, it was repaid plus a premium – value added to that. And sense Job’s loss of everything was undeserved, and was a direct result of the activity of the adversary, that when God repaid Job, He added a premium to it. As they say in the trade, that’ll preach.

But all that fails to recognize that God did not owe Job. And that everything that the Lord ever did for Job was gracious and merciful. And so while that will preach, the reality is that the Lord makes no guarantees about life, and far less do the promises of God guarantee wealth and power, or even happiness. I am sure that Job always wished he could understand all of this. But he now knows that he will never understand. He did, however, learn by the harshest of life experience that God can always be trusted.

So Job 42:10-17: The Restoration! The Lord restored Job when Job was gracious to the undeserving. Even when restored, Job still needed comfort and consolation. And his family and his true friends provided that. Never again would Job fail to recognize the intensity of the sufferings of other people. As long as he lived, he had those ten graves to visit. He probably never wasted any opportunity to demonstrate love, compassion, support, encouragement to those who were in need, and to those who suffered.

The answer to all of his ‘WHY’ questions was ‘There is no answer.’

All that remains is the presence of God, and Job learned that that was enough.

Ever after, Job lived content in the knowledge that God would ultimately bring him safely home. One of the greatest preachers in Baptist history was a 20^th century pastor and revivalist named Vance Havner. Let me recommend the website www.vancehavner.com which is maintained by a friend and admirer of Havner. And while you are at it, let me recommend a companion site: www.2prophetu.com .

Vance Havner and his wife were childless. After his one pastorate, which was First Baptist Church of Charleston, S.C., for the rest of his life, Vance Havner’s ministry was itinerant. And the economic reality being what it was, it was seldom possible for Havner’s wife to travel with him. This story is fleshed out in Havner’s little book, ‘Though I walk through the valley.’ In the book, which Havner wrote after his wife died, he said that no matter where he was, every day that he traveled for that period of forty four years, every day he was away from home, he had a letter from his wife. You know he wasn’t sure how she managed that, except that she learned what typical delivery time would be for mail. Now it may seem like a radically different world, but during much of Havner’s career, he could not afford to make a lot of long-distance phone calls. So the primary contact with her for all of those decades was by mail. After forty-four years of marriage, Havner’s wife died. He outlived her by many years. And in that book, he wrote with such tender grief what all of that was like. What you might call the ‘punch line’ to the book was his statement near the end of that book. ‘It is easy to say that Jesus is all you need until Jesus is all you have. And then you realize that Jesus is all you want.’

Lessons from Job:

1. God never stifles a sincere question. But often He leaves them unanswered.

2. Learn to tell God how you feel, and be honest with God. He can take it. But remember who you are talking to.

3. Some answers will never come. Do not promise people that one day their questions will be answered. That is simply not true.

4. In every crisis, God can be trusted.

I think when I reflect on this I think of the words in part of a hymn, which has within the hymn this lyric: ‘Even when you cannot trace His hand, you can still trust His heart.’ If life has never dealt you the kind of blows that make you want to shake your fist in the face of God and demand an explanation; if that has not happened, it will.

Let me recommend a couple of authors:

David O. Seamands: Methodist pastor, professor, has got to be really old by now, if he’s still living. But he wrote several remarkable books that address the subjects, address situations of great pain, loss, and sorrow. They are remarkable. The first of those and the last time I checked, this one book had sold close to a million copies. I haven’t checked for 20 years. The title of that book is “Healing for damaged emotions.”

Archibald Hart: Arch is a professor at Fuller Seminary in California. I had the privilege of taking a couple of courses at Fuller’s extension location in Honolulu. Hart articulated some things that made a radical difference in not only in what I understand but in my own life. It is the theory of Hart that for believers, the most difficult aspect of suffering and loss is learning to forgive God. He is a Ph.D., he is a fully credentialed psychologist, and Arch says that having a robust faith in God can make the great trauma’s of life harder to deal with; because the believer knows that God can do whatever God wants to do. And so, you know, if you are the least bit orthodox in your own Christian faith, then you realize that either God allowed what happened, or God willed what happened. And if in fact God is God, what’s the difference? Because whether you explain things by saying, “God willed it,’ or saying ‘God allowed it,’ if in fact God possesses all real power, what is the difference? And you know Dr. Hart who also his wife as well is a fully credentialed psychologist, and the two of them are practicing psychologists in addition to his work as a professor. They believe that ordinarily people do not realize that they are angry with God. Because after all, this is something we are brought up – that’s a foreign concept. But he says that unless and until one recognizes anger and resentment against God, acknowledges is, owns it, and processes it by forgiving God, that they can never move past that point and become genuinely health emotionally and spiritually again.

You know I believe that they are correct. Emotions and no emotions are anymore visceral than is that complex of emotions that results from traumatic events – great loss, great suffering. The fact is that those emotions often have a life of their own. And it is an illusion to think that you can talk yourself out of all of the trauma that accompanies great loss. No. You have to live with it, you have to endure it, and you have ultimately you have to recognize it for what it is. And from a sincere heart, forgive God. In the great trauma’s of life, knowing that perhaps you should not feel a certain way doesn’t change the way you feel. You know I was very careful to question Archibald Hart in private as well as in public to be sure that I understood what he suggested. He was not suggesting that one should ask the Lord to forgive them for being angry with God. No, he was saying the individual must ultimately freely forgive God. And you know I think he is right; he has not written nearly enough about this but I have not laid eyes on him for 20 years. So he may well have published something in the meantime.

If in fact God is everything we believe He is, and if God is as the Bible presents Him, then it does I think, the more sound someone’s personal doctrine of god is, the harder it is to reconcile the great tragedies of life with God as we believe Him to be.

So Lord willing we will do something other than Job tomorrow.

Friday morning thoughts over tea

I am sitting in my living room, leisurely sipping tea and updating my blog. Ahh... what blissful luxury is mine today. :-) I have class starting at 8:30 or 8 am Monday through Friday, and work fifteen hours in those four days as well. The last few weekends have been a little hectic as once I finished my J-term homework I had to start right in on finishing two huge books (one was a doctorate level book... yeah I didn't get too far in that one) for my Apologetics 2 class and then once we got the class discussion out of the way for THAT I was working on a presentation on comparing C.S. Lewis to Francis Shaeffer for the same class. I loved it, I just wasn't focused too much on the concrete realm of reality ;-) In between all of that, my car finally gave up the ghost, but it took a little more for the final diagnosis of 'he's DEAD, Jim' to get proclaimed as we explored various options of life support and heroic measures of eeking out the last drops of life that we could from the poor old Blue Whale (it was a blue 1990 chevy lumina van, that was somehow christened 'the blue whale' and more often than not was 'the beached blue whale') I don't know why, but female chromosones are not designed to handle automobile trouble. It stresses us. I don't know why. It just does. Especially when it strands us in various places of the city. Guys think of it as a cool challenge; girls think of it as distress. So anyway. My Romanian brother and boyfriend got to exercise their 'save distressed female' powers during all of that. *sigh*
Now I am trying to gear myself up to drag myself away from musing on cyberspace and sending it out into the void. I have to figure out getting to the DMV to declare the Blue Whale dead, and I have to read some homework for my Methods of Biblical Counseling class. The lecture part of the class has been interesting if nothing else. I'm still not sure that I'm entirely sold on the paradigm of Biblical Counseling as presented at Boyce, but if nothing else its fun learning a different worldview and approach towards helping others through crisis and stresses.
I woke up thinking about Romania and replaying some memories of my time there through my brain. Along with everything else, I've been doing a lot of praying and soul searching about what God wants me to do after I graduate, what I want me to do after I graduate, what is being the best steward of what God has given me would be, etc. When I first came to college, my goal was to get back to Romania as soon as possible. While I don't doubt that God called me to go there when He did and do what I did, I have been really struggling with the thoughts of, well was that for always or just for a season? And I've been really musing about why I wanted to go, what I did while I was there, and why I loved it. The funny thing is that I went to the orphanage to see IF I could live overseas long-term as a missionary. While I was there I fell in love with various aspects of my situation there, but I lost sight of seeking the IF and decided it WAS. It was for that time, but I don't think I asked Him enough if it was for long-term times. So what is the long-term goal? Bear with me as I sort through my random-global thought process. If you don't want an interesting ride, just scroll down to the end ;-)

I discovered this last week that a girl I'm friends with is fluent in American Sign Language, and she invited me to go to her Deaf church with her sometime. I ended up skyping my friend who is deaf for a while and it was fun rediscovering that part of myself. My problem isn't 'oh my gosh, I've got to scrape together some options as I simply don't know what to do!' My problem is, "Holy schmoly, there are waaaay too many flippin' options of what I COULD do! Which one do I pick?!" I know I don't a normal 7-5 or 9-7 Mon-Fri job... I've mused quite a bit about a Master's in Teaching, but the thought of working in the School System makes my home school heart cringe and shudder for various reasons. A good friend of mine just discovered she's pregnant and asked me to be her Doula. I said yes, and then started thinking of delving back into the midwifery world... I just don't know how long I could handle the hours on a regular basis, as babies don't like to come into the world when its bright outside... they usually like ridiculous hours like 2 am.


The overall theme is wanting to serve people and show them how to serve God better and bringing Glory to God. I could do that in a normal occupation, in a dramatic and wacky occupation, and simply by being who God has created me in all situations He's put me (systematically confounding and irritating people as I go, driving them to their knee's in irritation most likely, but whatever) Whether that's as a volunteer at an orphanage, a missionary to Gypsies, an interpreter for the Deaf, a teacher in various capacities, a Doula or Midwife, a wife and mother, a good friend, or something else entirely that God has yet to show me, I hope to be obedient to His calling and a faithful witness to Him.

paths and light

It was that horrible part of the month when the moon didn't rise for a few days. Because it was winter, the stars were veiled in the night sky. The sidewalk was an example of the depravity of mankind and a testimony to Communist quality (or lack thereof) and the cobblestones peeking out underneath the gaping holes in the road's blacktop might have been set down by the Romans in BC days. The road and the sidewalk were separated by a 10-foot deep ditch filled with snow sludge, cow manure, dirt washed off from the nearby fields, and last summer's grass.
And pre-European Union Transylvania did not believe in street lights!!!!
My host sister had been walking this life-threatening trail since she could walk and remembered when many of the snags and cracks had formed. She walked with confidence, never breaking her stride, matter-of-factly blazing the trail in front of us, plunging into the inky blackness that opened before us as we left the church.
I, however, was not nearly so confident.
First of all, the crags, snags, and jags of the way in which we were traveling spelled death to my American feet, unaccustomed as they were to walking everywhere we went, let alone on that kind of byway.
Second, I will admit this: I just don't like dark. I mean, I like it when I am trying to fall asleep. Thats it. Dim, sure. Night time with night lights where teeny specks of lumination glow and bring warm fuzzy feelings, sure. Pitch black? Forget it.

So I slowed down. In fact, I barely creeped forward. My host brother walking behind me almost crashed into me.
"NA!" He exclaimed in surprise. Our fearless leader turned around in surprise, but didn't see a reason for the interjection, so resumed her pace. I was too proud to ask her to slow down, because then I'd have to admit my fear of the dark, and the sidewalk, and I wasn't about to do that. (I've had a few years of sanctification since this took place ;-D)
Hungarians are an observant bunch. As I was picking my way, trying to speed up but not trip, suddenly a blinding light illuminated my path. It seriously was really really bright at first. I turned with surprise to see what it was.
My host brother had turned on his cell phone, which gave off a very very dim light, and was holding it over my shoulder so that I could see where I was going.
The thing is, cell phones 5 years back did not give off the brightest light.
However, my eyes were starting to adjust to the dark dark darkness of that Transylvanian winter night. So even a little light was almost overwhelming.
I was sooo grateful for that light. I could see where I was going!!!!

However, I realized I couldn't see that far ahead of me. In fact, just barely ahead of where I wanted to plant my feet next as I picked up my stride. However, it didn't matter, as I knew my guide knew where we were going, and I had a light held by someone I trusted who was making sure I didn't trip. Showing me what to do just then.

Now, I'm utilizing poetic license here to slightly dramatize the situation, as it illustrates a dilemma I've been struggling with for the last few months.
Gosh darn it, I knew where I was supposed to go and who I was gonna minister to, and how, and somewhat when.
However, the chain of events starting almost exactly a year ago have completely incinerated all such plans.
Its slightly irritating.

Today I sang with the college choir at the Seminary chapel. Before we started I noticed a couple I have seen at my church. The husband is deaf and the wife is hearing. I haven't had a chance to talk with them yet, but took the opportunity when we took a five minute break right before the chapel started to run say hi.
I haven't practiced my Signing in over a year.
But both were thrilled to meet a fellow 'Signer'
The husband watched us while we talked and signed at the same time so he could follow our conversation and the wife asked what I was studying. I told her missions.
"Have you thought about Deaf Missions?" (a new focus the International Mission Board has been emphasizing recently, as there is a huge need for Deaf Ministries overseas)
"Yeah I've thought about it. I'm a little overwhelmed right now with all the different options I have though."
"Well, how much longer do you have at school?"
"After this semester a year and a half." (suppressed squawk of shock, thrill, pride, and terror at that statement)
She laughed and her signing became a full-bodied expression.
"Honey you have TIME! God will show you at the right moment what to do and not before."
We laughed.

At the beginning of the semester I was griping to a guy friend my dilemma of not knowing the specifics of what God was doing in my life, why such intense refinement, why did my dreams and plans have to be shattered.
I love this friend because he is arguably brilliant yet very unassuming about it. He's one of those throw-back hippies who expect people to act smart and logically and don't have the time of day for those who don't. It can be irritating of course but also very helpful.
"You know, I really struggled with that too. Why did God send me to the Mission Field and have me fall in love with it right before my health completely broke? I can't live far from American medicine; I'll die without it now. God knew that. He also knew I would fall in love with South American when He sent me. It drove me nuts for a while. God could heal me. He doesn't. Why? And God kept bringing me the verse in Psalm 119:105 "Your Word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path." That frustrated me because I was like, 'God! I AM reading Your word! I don't get it!' And then I thought about what kind of lights they used back then. Really small hand held oil lamps that only lit up the path directly in front of you. And I realized, when God gives you direction He only gives you enough for what is directly in front of you."
In Exodus 16, Israel complains because they don't have food. So in verse 4 the Lord tells Moses that He is going to rain Manna down from Heaven. (Manna is a Hebrew word that has been transliterated because saying "Manna" sounds better than saying "What is it" which is what Manna means. Manna = what is it. See verse 14-15)
"...and the people shall go out and gather a day's portion every day, that I may test them, whether they will walk in my law or not. On the sixth day, when they prepare what they bring in, it will be twice as much as they gather daily." (Exodus 16:4-5)
It has always struck me that God only allowed the Israelites to collect the day's portion of food. Only on the Sabbath - the day they were to rest and reflect on God's goodness - could they gather enough for two days.
I find myself wanting enough for today and tomorrow. However God also said that He was going to test the Israelite's faith by limiting them to one day. They, unfortunately rather predictably, failed the test and gathered enough for two days, frustrating Moses and witnessing the Lord making their food moldy, unclean, and just plain gross.
Its not a nasty test, its just an example to me of my lack of faith, which is just as appalling as that mess of worms and mold the Manna turned into.
Proverbs 4:18 says "But the path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, which shines brighter and brighter until full day."
Dawn doesn't come all at once. It starts as a very small tiny light on the horizon. Barely clouding the stars. Then it grows slowly, easing back the blanket of stars, chasing them to the opposite horizon as the various morning colors slowly overtake the sky. First the velvety black blue of the outer space the stars peek out from, then a lighter blue and bright purples, and then the warm orange and reds that announce the sun is about to come up.
But it starts slowly. Its mistakeable for something else. But then, agonizingly slow it seems at first, or unnoticeably, suddenly things are not shadows and dark shapes anymore, but merely dim, and you can see whats in front of you, and then you see them clearly.

"For the LORD gives wisdom; from His mouth come knowledge

and understanding; He stores up sound wisdom for the upright;

He is a shield to those who walk in integrity, guarding the paths

of justice and watching over the ways of His saints. Then you will

understand righteousness and justice and equity, every good path;

for wisdom will come into your heart, and knowledge will be

pleasant to your soul; discretion will watch over you, understanding

will guard you..."

Proverbs 2:6-11

To just wait for His wisdom to come and illuminate and guide in His timing. I'm sure at first I'll be blinded by it like I was by the cell phone in Romania. "WHAT THE MESS KIND OF PLAN IS THAT?" I'm sure I'll yell in flabergastation when "The Plan" is finally revealed. "THAT'S what You've been preparing me for?!?! Well for goodness' sakes, why didn't You just SAY that in the first place?" And then the realization will hit me, as my eyes adjust to the new illumination, that if He had shown me that earlier, I would have been completely blinded, not just dazzled.

So anyway I've just been mulling over these things pretty much all semester. So I thought I'd get it out of my system and send it into cyberspace. :-) I hope it encourages you; but it is late, and I've been praparing for midterms and class presentations and a spur-of-the-moment-mission-of-mercy-trip some AMAZING buddies from school have thrown together to help my family in rebuilding their house (which is STILL undergoing reconstruction and refurbishing from the house fire that happened almost a YEAR ago... how time flies and at the same time limps by... it seems like yesterday and also another lifetime ago...)

All that to say, I'm exhausted, and I fear it may show in my writing. :-)

In Christ,

~Princess Ouch~

April Fools!

Well, I really don't have any April fool's day joke. Apparently a girl on my dorm is related to Barack Obama and is his second cousin, and she found this out on Facebook (a prank it is sending to more than one person so watch out). Youtube put everything upside down, and I am avoiding the guys dorms like the plague because who knows what will fall out of the windows or what horrible smell will be sneaking out from under the door!!
As I said before, the last two weeks have been rather interesting. You know when you work out really really really hard and have only been eating strictly healthy food for about a week? That night your body is screeeaming with aches, but you still feel good for excercising and you feel healthier and you know you'll be stronger for it.
Or how Eagle's teach their young to fly. They kick them out of the nest and then right before they hit the ground, the mom or dad eagle catches the baby on their back and carries them safely back to the nest.

Frustration has been hitting me rather hard the last week with some of the mentalities of college. I believe right now God has me in a time of singleness and preparation for the future. I'm open to a relationship if God wants me to be in one, just not holding my breath. However, every time I turn around, I'm hearing how to be a good wife, a supportive girlfriend, hearing my friend's plans for weddings or what their boyfriend told them. If I somehow make a whole day through without hearing SOMETHING about that, when I get home from work there are at least two couples sitting on benches outside my dorms acting all cute and in love and another couple standing at the bottom of the stairs that lead up to the girls' rooms.
Last week a guy ran into the campus coffee shop where I work and breathlessly asked for a plastic cup. He held up three flowers he had picked, daffodils and lilies.
It was cute, rather irritating, and made me feel whimsical.
"God, I know You are with me and have me in this season for a reason. But I just wish there was someone to pick ME flowers. Oh well. You are faithful and provide all things, so just take this 'need' of mine away."
Well, God's ways are not our ways. Three days later I was at a Hungarian Baptist fellowship/outreach potluck. It was after dinner and I was washing dishes. Ibi, the wife of the fellowships's pastor, saw me and was apparently shocked and thrilled that I would voluntarily wash dishes for her.
A few minutes later she walked up to me holding a bouquet of five red roses. She had taken the petals of roses to sprinkle on the tables but hadn't needed these for decoration.
"Since you blessed me so much, I want you to take these. Thanks for you help and blessings!" she said, handing me the flowers.

Anywayz. Just gonna throw that all out there. Hopefully it will encourage you if you are in a time in your life when you need assurances of God's goodness and faithfulness. Or it will tug on your heartstrings and recruit more prayer for yours truly. I'm actually really fine with either outcome. :-)

Happy spring!

~Princess Ouch~

Musing

Well, the last two weeks have been kind of wierd. You know those sweet and sour candies? They are covered on the outside with sugar that's been flavored so that its really really bitter. But once you get past the bitterness (which is still oddly sweet because its sugar) you discover a burst of sweetness that still has an edge of bitterness/sourness. I know a lot of people hate these kinds of candies, but I like them every once and a while. At first they are shocking and my tongue screams,
"what the flippin' freakin' ding dang heck did you DO this to me for?!?!?!?!" But after a few seconds it really grows on you and I find myself wanting another piece.

Well, thats what my life has been like for the last two weeks.

Part of me is just awed by God's goodness, His faithfulness, His vividly blatant presence in my life right now. He has been so near to me I can almost touch Him and hear His Holy Spirit telling me how much He loves me and how He wants the best for me and has a perfect plan for me.
The other part of me has felt rather confused, frustrated, and stressed by a few different situations that have to do with fellow brothers and sisters in the body of Christ, or my future, or God's provision.

Its frustrating that I still struggle with these doubts because God has proven Himself over and over to me, and I know that He is faithful and has a plan. I guess what I get frustrated with is my continuous doubts, mistakes, blindness, sin, etc.
Which is normal, I just wish I could hit the "Saint" status and forgoe all the pesky side effects of being human before I reach Heaven.
:-)

Anyway God brought a song to me yesterday when I was trying to pray about all of this and sort it out. A bit melodramatic, but then I'm of Gaelic and German heritage, so it's in my blood. :-)

Peace

Alone in the valley
I cry for you
To fill me with your peace
So when the lightening strikes
The thunder roars around me
Still I live in peace
You ask that I

Be still and know you are God
Be still and know you are God

When the fires rage
When the storms surround me
Still I live in peace
Though the mountains fall
Crashing to the ocean
Still I live in peace
You ask that I

Be still and know you are God
Be still and know you are God
Be still and know you are God
Be still and know you are God

Lead me through the valley
lead me by the streams
Restore me and draw me to you, God
To you I lift my soul
To you who makes me whole
Gently you hold me close to you
Close to you

Be still and know you are God
Be still and know you are God
Be still and know you are God
Be still and know you are God

You're near me
You love me

You hold me
You reach me
You still me
You move me
You draw me to you, God
(repeat)

You are God!

By Rebecca St. James and Tedd T.

Anyway, I'm excited about what the future is going to bring, God is good, and this semester is ALMOST DONE!!! Woot woot!

God bless,

~Princess Ouch~

Hearing God

"We'll be learning about hearing the Voice of God. And I know a lot of people get all freaked out about that, that they go,
"Well how do I know it's not my imagination?"
You know what? There's only one way you're gonna find out. By obeying what you're hearing, and watching what God does.
Because we are disciples of the Kingdom of God, and the essence of discipleship is training, and the essence of training is making mistakes.
The problem with you and I and the Spirit of Religion, in the Abberant Religion of Christianity, is that nobody is allowed to make mistakes! We have to have 'perfect services'!
(I'm gonna step on some sacred cows now. Moo! Pull that tail!) Listen, we have all been infected with certain Spirits that have just run rife in the Church. And what has happened in the Abberant Religion of Christianity is that it's all about Sunday Morning, and having services that we go to.
That is not what the Bible teaches us. The Bible teaches us about having a relationship with God.
So what happened historically is that instead of being in a community that gives everyone permission to make mistakes so that we can learn and grow in the gifts and callings on our lives, we're moved away from that and had everyone come to a building on a certain hour where a certain service is preformed by selected elected people who, depending on the kind of cohersion that's going on wears certain costumes....
So we have services that are well defined and well scripted, so that the Church becomes a Theater. It's not a place where discipleship is made, it's a place where people are entertained! Because "We've got to keep the people happy!"
So they'll keep coming and keep putting their money in.
Authentic Biblical Religion is not about entertaining you and I.
It's not about keeping you and I happy.
It's not about taking our money.
What it is about is this:
What is the word of the Lord to you,
what are you doing about it,
and how can we help each other grow in that word?"

~Howard Morgan~

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."

~Rumi~