struggling

Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in all the earth"

For a person who is a DOER and likes to fix things, this verse is one I struggle with incredibly.
I want to DO. I want to FIX. I want to RECONCILE.
I want to bend over backwards until everyone is pleased and feels better and likes me again.

And I pray and pray and sense the Lord telling me,
Be still.
Do what is in front of you.
Let me take care of it.

URGH! But God! I want to HELP!

And He graciously says, "Girl, I don't need your help honey. But you need Mine. Shouldn't you stop arguing with Me and start finishing those papers?"

Alright Lord.

But please please please fix it!!!

Just to clarify

I was told yesterday that I probably ought to think about editing or deleting my last post because I sounded furious and hurt and a little bitter. There didn't seem to be any hope attached to the post and it might not be best for cyberspace to be exposed to that particular part of my life.
Just to clarify some things:
I'm not bitter. I am incredibly frustrated with a dynamic that constantly seems to be confronting me both at school and at home. No matter how hard I pray or try to get it right, it feels like I am always falling short. Or at least, not meeting people's ideals. This is then articulated as selfishness, sin, inconsiderate of me, or not allowing people to offer me accountability that I clearly need.
I'm not bitter about it I'm just very discouraged.
The argument was also put to me that ANYONE can read it. Well quite honestly I was hoping that certain people WOULD read it.
The argument that I constantly these days is hear is, 'Well, I proclaimed God's word and it will not return void.' I'm sorry but if you are so hung up on merely projecting your interpretation on how things ought to be that you don't care about the hurt and confusion you are creating, that is wrong. And I think more people need to be aware that what they are doing is not declaring some profound ideal that is mulled over and meditated on and finally convicted by. No what they are doing is creating hurt and confusing and sometimes jeopardizing relationships. I'm not just talking about me, I've seen this in others as well.
There is a time to speak. I totally agree. The flip side is that there is a time to be silent. My experience is that many of my brothers and sisters in Christ are very quick to speak and less quick to pray; both about their concern and also on what they should or shouldn't say.
Am I angry? Yes. I'm still angry because this issue isn't going away. Someone very close to me would say, 'Well what is God trying to teach you through this?'
Well... it seems to me that the lesson I need to learn is how to graciously cut people off and tell them to mind their own business - in a Christianese sort of way that is.
Yes the Holy Spirit does speak through His Church. I'm not questioning that. I just am questioning whether this is one of those instances or not. And since the issues and concerns that have been brought up are not valid because of lack of information, OR they are based off of one (of many) interpretations of Scripture, then I am choosing -prayerfully- to dismiss the feedback.
My frustration is that these are people I love and care about. I want to take what they say seriously and to heart. However it becomes a burden and takes time and energy that I honestly can't afford them right now. I am in a season of life that is demanding because I am trying to honor what my mom and dad told me I need to do: Graduate and aim for good grades. To graduate I need to do this internship, to get good grades I need to spend my brain space studying. All that equals TIME and brain space.
I don't pretend to understand all that God is doing in my life. I agree I have changed over the years. Hey guess what so has everyone else! Am I the carefree young girl I was when I first came to school? Nope. Sorry. Parents house burning down and family displaced for a month/year; serious debilitating illnesses over and over; family members dying and funerals consistently during finals week, the pressure to finish the semester well AND attend funerals AND see that people have safe housing while they travel; betrayal by some very dear friends without warning... um that sort of adds up to a sobering effect on a girl! So I have changed.

I am still passionate about ministry.
I love the Lord dearly. I know that He is with me always.
I know that He has a plan and He is faithful. He gives and takes away, though He slay me yet I will serve Him. Blessed be the Name of the Lord.
I am still striving to fulfill His will for my life as faithfully as I know how through prayer, study of His word and seeking wisdom from faithful saints who have proved their faithfulness over the years.
I am seeking to surround myself with such wise people and who are 'compatible' for future ministries; although I think the word 'compatible' is funny because if you ever look around a healthy, functioning church that actively serves the Lord corporately... well I at least am constantly amazed at the hodgepodge of people there. They would NEVER be friends apart from one common dynamic theme: Jesus. And their differences compliment each other! Is it what THEY originally thought, planned, dreamed? NO. But God knew better.
God knows best and I am trying as much as I know how to pursue that. Is it confusing? Heck yeah.
But again: ASK FIRST, pray next, get concerned/judge five steps later.

Now... should I delete the last post?
I am still thinking about it. After all, it is going to be filed away someplace and anyone can access it.
I don't know. Part of me wants to. Part of me wants to delete this post as well. Part of me wants to just pretend like everything is okay and keep listening to the 'feedback' from people and be nice and stuff it all away and pretend like it isn't there.
I mean, non-Christians and other people might see these things as well.
BUT...
Why is it so bad to be vulnerable? Why is it bad for non-believers to hear/see that we aren't perfect amongst ourselves... that a lot of the frustrations they have with the church are the same frustrations we have with the church but the Truth still remains and that is why we put up with it?
Why is it so bad for people to realize that they are being a pain in the wazoo and really hurt someone and continue to do so? if they STOP it, then it was worth it, right?
I don't know. There are certain things about me that are really private and I won't ever voice to the void. But there are other certain things that I really really really want some people to hear and understand. I've tried saying it to their face. I've tried saying it gently, forcefully, sad, happy, mad, and as a joke. Its not received. So... blog about it?
If you have an alternative I'm all ears.
Just ask questions before you start judging me about it ;-)

Hurt and frustrated

I really wish people would ask questions before they 1. jump to conclusions and 2. judge me for those conclusions and then 3. call me into accountability for those conclusions they jumped to based on incomplete facts, misinformation or miscommunication.

And I wish people would stop projecting their ideals and their issues on me and then telling me how unhappy they are afraid I'll be if I don't live up to them.

*sigh* I had an interesting interaction with some friends this morning. I don't want to go into it. I'm just sad and hurt and sad again.

And I'm tired of constantly being told that what I"m doing or the way I'm doing it is hurting others or wrong or inconsiderate or selfish or rebellious or not biblical etc. I don't disagree that I've made mistakes, I'd just like every once and a while the people I love and respect who are idealistic and live radically to say, "Hey, here is what you are doing RIGHT. Good job." and then LEAVE it at that. Not, 'Here's what you are doing right but you could actually do it better if you did this this and this.' or "well, I know you are TRYING to do the right thing and I'm proud of you for that but REALLY what you need to do is this.' or "Well you COULD do it that way but we did it THIS way and thats the best way to do it. Look how well it turned out for us?" yeah see I'm not you so it wouldn't work that way for me.

Or I love this one: I'm just so afraid you are going to get hurt.

Really? You must life in a constant state of terror then because no matter what I do or who I do it with or where I go, I am going to get hurt. Sucks and is part of life but there it is.

I KNOW what they mean; there's getting hurt and then there is getting heartbroken. I know the difference and I know thats what they mean. I'm just really really discouraged. Because it feels like whenever I live the way that feels fulfilling and what God wants me to do, I'm going to hurt those I love. This may be a misconception, but based on my understanding of the feedback of thats how it is. Which...

lol and then comes the line, 'there's no pressure.'

Ha!

Liar.

Urgh...

I just stopped by to visit this morning. I just stopped by to visit over christmas. I am just STOPPING BY TO SAY HI because I love you. But it can never be just a, 'hey I love you,' its got to be a huge dramatic soul-searching time of conviction and 'here's how you screwed up again.' or 'here's what you really ought to do BETTER if you REALLY love Jesus and want a meaningful relationship with us.' 'because we want what's best for you.'

Yes... but did you hear the part where I said I love you?

Did you realize that I'm trying?

Oh wait. Its not the particular WAY you want it. I didn't use the right synonym. Or I didn't have the right resources to meet your need, because YOU don't need to call for clarification or ask for my reasoning or have any obligation to give me the benefit of the doubt.

And 'best' for you is not 'best' for me.

I'm just so so so discouraged right now.

Poured out, waiting to be filled.

(Corina and Allen)

My friend Corina lost one of her babies this week. Little "Allen" was diagnosed with Cancer in his eyes, and was abandoned by his foster mother. Corina took his case and ended up falling in love with the little boy, and became his new foster mommy. "Allen" had two surgeries - one to remove his cancerous eyes and the second to remove the cancer that had moved to his brain - and appeared to be doing well for a while. Tragically, two weeks ago he fell ill again. He slipped into a coma and a few days ago went to be with Jesus.

Corina and I chatted a few times while "Allen" was in a coma. My heart broke for Corina as she told me of her grief.

"I want to hear my baby's voice one last time!"

"My heart has been broken before, but this time it is crushed."

Before he went into a coma, Corina began to prepare "Allen" for eternity. He had been growing sicker and was agitated. At only two years old, he seemed to understand that Death was near.

"You don't need to be afraid. Jesus will come and take you to a beautiful place, and it will be your home."

The little boy was still unsure and asked, "Will Jesus come by car?" He had a facination with cars.

"Jesus has many cars. I'm sure He can find you one." She replied as he snuggled closer to her, still afraid and tense.

"You don't need to be afraid." She assured him again. "Jesus will take you home to Heaven. You can stay there with Jesus and wait for me, and after a little while Mommy will come too."

Finally the little boy relaxed and was at peace. Soon after he slipped into a coma.

After he lost consciousness, Corina and I chatted a few times while she was at her house during the few rests she allowed herself. She refused to leave "Allen's" side more than was absolutally neccessary, alternatively hoping for a miraculous healing or simply wanting to be there when he finally passed. My heart broke for Corina as she shared her grief and worry.

"I am very depressed. I miss my baby so much! I want him back with me!"

"All I want is just him, just one more time to hear him, to hold him. I can't stand to look at his lifeless body. Why so short? Why such pain he had to go through? Why so few sweet moments?"

"I know it (knowing Allen) was a privelege, but one that cost much. My heart. It was broken before, too. But this time it is totally crushed."

I tried to comfort her and remind her of God's unending love and sovereignty. I was torn, though, because I wanted to assure her that it would be allright in the end, the story would have a happy ending. Or at least to be assured, she had done enough for one person, surely God wouldn't ask her to do anything like this ever again.

However, what else is the Christian Missionary life but an endless series of sacrifice, heartbreak, and tragedy? Of course there is Joy, Love, Salvation in there as well. However the moments of grief come all too often. And the thing is that I know Jesus is standing right there watching, His eyes wet with tears as His heart breaks more than ours could ever even begin to.

But sometimes it is encouraging just to know that there are indeed other Christians who partake in the sacrifice and heartbreak. Who understand not the situation completely, but at least can empathise in the feeling of helplessness. Who do not condicend or talk with useless words but who will simply sit and cry with the grieving person. Or a simple, "tell me more, because I love you."

Anyway I had all this buzzing through my head for a while, so I wrote a poem about the Missionary life. It was originally for Corina, but I think every serious, down to earth Christian can empathize with this.

(Allen after one of his surgeries)

I Pour myself out, Oh Lord

I pour myself out.

Empty I come before You

Asking to be filled.

This fragile pitcher contains

nothing of worth

That can aid the calling

You have laid on it.

I pour myself out, though

You know how it pains.

Seeking a path only few

even know to look for.

Do not forget, Oh Lord

the cost of obediance.

Remeber, now I am empty,

waiting to be filled.

I have ruined myself for anything,

only You now can bring satisfaction.

Gently, Lord gently, refine me.

Don't let me break.

I asked for Your eyes Lord

and I begin to see.

I asked for Your heart Lord

You didn't tell me how It breaks.

Helplessly I see before me

a Heavenly task

But I have only human strength

don't let me lean on it!

I will not be accused of being so

Heavenly minded, no earthly good.

But nor will I put my hope

in this shallow world.

I follow You as a blind woman

in a foreign land.

I know the Spiritual real is there

unseen, yet unmistakably real.

I know Your voice calls to me constantly

but I still learn Your language.

I trip and stumble with mistakes

cursing fallibility,

but You keep me from falling.

You hold my hand.

Guide me, oh Lord. Use me as You wish.

I am Yours.

I pour myself out, and You fill me.

Fill till I overflow!

Let others see me as a fountain

whose souce is You!

I pour while You fill.

Let others do as well!

Copyright 2009 by Rachel Nehring.

(Corina and Allen)

Missions quotes

"To quote that noted football philosopher Vince Lombardi, 'When the going gets tough, the tough gets going.' But that begs the question. How do you get tough? Where do endurance and staying power come from, especially in the Spiritual realm, which calls for a special kind of toughness. We live in a difficult world that is not friendly to the life of a disciple. The Lord was well aware of this, and one of His great concerns was to prepare His followers for life in this hostile world. His people can be resilient and Spiritually tough. However, that resilience is not the product of determination, but of prayer."
~Gary Inrig~

"(Most people's prayers should be)cut off on both ends and set on fire in the middle."
~D.L. Moody~

"Martyrs are holy men of God who fought or stood for truth, even unto death, so that the Word of God may be made known and falsehood and fictions be overcome. Such a sacrifice is offered to God alone, thus the martyr is recieved in heavenly honor. This means that God has rewarded the faith of the martyr with so much grace that death, which seems to be the enemy of life, becomes in reality an ally that helps man enter into life."
~St. Augustine of Hippo~



"Shall we beat a retreat, and turn back from our high calling in Christ Jesus; or dare we advance at God's command, in the face of the impossible?.... Let us remind ourselves that the Great Commission was never qualified by clauses calling for advance only if funds were plentiful and (there is) no hardship or self-denial involved. On the contrary, we are told to expect tribulation and even persecution, but with it Victory in Christ."
~John Stam, Missionary to China and martyred with his wife in 1934~


"It was Christmas Eve and night was descending on the jungle. There was no way I could get back home. Back in Pennsylvania, my folks would have returned from Church and Mother would be getting the turkey ready. Outside the snow would be faling.... In Yarinachcha, six hours away, Nancy and the boys would be sitting at home alone. They knew by now, because I had been able to radio back that I was stuck in the jungle. I would not be with them for Christmas.
"Oh God," I moaned, "I'm in the wrong place."
.... That night, under my mosquito net I had a visitation from God - something like those shepherds must have had on the hills of Bethlehem. There were no angels, and no bright light. But as I lay there on my hammock, desperately homesick, I felt I heard God say:
"My son, this is what Christmas is all about. Jesus left Heaven and on Christmas morning He woke up in the 'wrong place' - a stable in Bethlehem. Christmas means leaving home, not going home. My only begotten Son did not come home for Christmas - He left His home to be with you.""
~Bernie May, Pilot for Wycliff Bible Translators~

"To conclude, therefore, let no man out of weak conceit of sobriety, or in ill applied moderation, think or maintain, that a man can search too far or be too well studied in the book of God's Word, or the book of God's works."
~Sir Francis Bacon~

"The Bible makes plain that there should be effects in Society from the preaching of the Gospel, and voices were raised to emphasize this fact and lives were given to illustrate it."
~Francis Schaeffer~

"The greatest missionary is the Bible in the mother tongue. It never needs a furlough, is never considered a foreigner."
~William Cameron Tonswend, founder of Wycliffe Bible Translators~



"The word 'give up' (in the Greek) describes the temptation to quit in despair when we are tired. Giving up is motivated by weariness that comes from living in a sinful, hostile world, feeling worn out by injustice, mistreatment, misunderstanding, and personal failure.
How do we keep going when we feel like bailing out? The cost of being a disciple tempts us to loose heart. Swimming against the current is tiring - why not go with the flow? It is easier to float than to fight. How tempting is it to drift with the current morally, socially, ethically or spiritually! How do the tough keep going - by determination or positive thinking or strategic retreat from the world?
The Lord's formula is clear and simple: "They should always pray and not give up." The antidote to despair is not determination but dependence, not positive thinking but prayer. And "should always pray" doesn't say it quite strong enough. Prayer is not something we are permitted to do if we please. The word should be translated 'must': "They must always pray and not give up." Prayer is what we are commanded to do as God's will. It is the only sure basis of perseverance, since it is the means God uses to accomplish His will in our lives.
Furthermore, we must not ONLY pray, we must ALWAYS pray ("Pray continually" 1 Thessalonians 5:17) "Pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayer and requests." Ephesians 6:18. Does that mean our time must be spent in nothing but prayer? No, but it does mean that we must do nothing WITHOUT prayer."
~Gary Inrig~