Getting into the groove... I think

Movie: Ironwill. Will is a teenager getting ready to compete in a cross-country dog sled race, and the local Native Americans are helping him learn how to survive not only the wild, but the wild men he will be interacting with. "How do I know who to trust?" he finally asks. "Trust the dogs. Trust yourself." the old chief tells him.
Except I don't have any dogs, I just have a FISH!!!! At least dogs are fluffy and look at you with big understanding eyes. Fish just glub at you! lol
No its cool its just a little overwhelming, because almost every time I've met a new person in this church for longer than five seconds, they are pulling me into a hallway giving me some 'helpful information' i.e. pushing their agenda. Aaaaaand it kinda sucks because they seem so NICE at first and then its like, aHA, so THATS your angle!!!
But the youth pastor did pull me aside and said, "there's a psalm, I think its Psalm 2, where it says 'the nations cry out.' The context is that a new king has just taken power, which means there is a power vacuum. A new king means new policies, he's a new personalities, no one knows what to expect, everyone is vying for power trying to push their own agenda. I just want to encourage you that David survived, so will you. I forgot how frustrating it was moving into a new ministry till I saw your face last night and then it all came back to me. Don't worry, you'll learn the names and faces and politics of this church. Don't be discouraged.As much as everyone wants to tell you what THEY think ought to happen, God didn't call them to this position He called YOU and this is YOUR ministry right now. If they wanted it that bad they could of applied for it but they didn't. So just remember that. God called you here. You've got muscle so don't worry to do what you need to do."
And I had a meeting with one of the elders of my previous church as a last 'hurrah' before moving membership. He asked lots of questions and best way to describe the church I'm in now is  that its a country church with inner-city dynamics. Brother Andy, the elder, is in his 60's, has a Ph.D. in Josephus or some ancient historian like that, and told me today he has worked with drug addicts and homeless people for several years. 'Listen to people, hear what they have to say, and learn to use phrases that buy you time so you can consider what they are really saying underneath the words they think you want to hear. Trust your gut. Find outside sources you can trust to bounce ideas off of and for objective opinions."So I think today was God saying, 'breathe Rachel its okay."
I've never been part of any church for more than a couple of years at a time. The longest was probably the First Church of the Nazarene in New Mexico, and it was kind of chopped up as we went to another church for a while as well. But all that time, Baptists were kind of the special cousin in Christendom that we were just so glad we weren't part of. I've heard of scary tiny southern baptist churches, and now I am not only part of one but a leader in one! And its exciting but somewhat terrifying.
At first I was like, "I'm gonna grow this ministry and it will be awesome!" Which I still hope for, but I guess I'm tempered down a little to, 'I want this to work for several years. And I want this ministry to grow. But if all I do is make an eternal difference in the lives of the ten kids that are in the ministry now, that's more than enough for me right there.'
In other news, worked in what will be my office but is currently the 'children's ministry resource center,' a.k.a the dump spot for anyone who gets a good deal on crayons. Or the place where all the cardboard backs to pads of paper end up (instead of the trash can!!!) just in case they might be needed for a craft. The secretary and the pastor want to leave all that stuff in there after it becomes my office, and the youth pastor said "Oooooh no. They tried to do that to my office and then its not an office its your desk and phone in the supply closet. MOVE IT. Do not budge on that!"  Which quite frankly there are enough unused classrooms that there is plenty of space for the two bookshelves to go besides my office. Speaking of which,
I HAVE AN OFFICE!!!
I have absolutely no office furniture to put in there as of yet. But I have decided that I am going to have a cool office. I don't know what exactly that means yet, but... anyway :-)
Going to meet the WMU ladies tomorrow morning and work a banquet back on campus for some pocket change ;-)
Enough for now. Going to bed :-)
~Princess Ouch~

random thoughts on my future

Things I want to do after I graduate:

Volunteer at a Women's Choice Resource Center regularly
Have a garden
Make a quilt
Get involved in a church's children's or youth ministry
(possibly GA or Acteens)


Have a job that I enjoy going to with people I like

(I've never had both; I've either worked alone and not really had coworkers; liked the job but didn't get along at all with my coworkers, or liked my coworkers but not the job. I'd like to experience both!)

Be outside regularly
Do art regularly


Have people over for dinner often - with good friends or as ministry
Become proficient in ASL and translate for a while to see how I like it
Teach - even if its just ESL - consistently
Cook good food that I and others like

write and publish something.

(I'd really like at some point to write a biography of Lottie Moon, and take some research trips to China MAYBE, but we'll see)

Live in my own apartment/house

Yes I want to get married after I graduate.

(however, every one around me doesn't seem to understand that that will only occur on three people's timeline: God's, the guy, and me. Not anyone elses! I never ever thought I'd get this kind of pressure every time I turned around to do it on someone else's timeline, and if I didn't then Bible verses would start flung at me and my boyfriend's character questioned. Seriously? Ya'll back off!!)

I really really really don't want to go into a Master's program right away. Or maybe even ever. I'm not sure.
I really enjoy going to the deaf church, but I don't know if I would want to do that long-term. I'm just conversing, not translating at this point... so I don't know if I'd like being someone's ears. Or I might love it. I won't know until I try, which means I have to keep putting effort into it and find out.
I would want to do it one-on-one tho, not for the communication companies etc.

I really have got to start writing this research paper.
If I'm rambling and getting thoughts out of my head, then great! Words flow! Imagining about talking and walking trees and fairies, sure. Putting down correct theology and doctrine about Angels? Pphshtttt. Ha. Writer's block!
Stupid Senioritis.
(yes this blog post was simply random pictures I've taken this spring, along with random thoughts I was thinking while NOT writing my research paper. Now that they are all effectively outside my head, I can get back to work. Thank you for being the recipient of my random external processing ;-D)

Job's blessing

I am taking an "Interpreting Wisdom Literature" class and my professor is somewhat brilliant. The class lecture today was fairly profound and very helpful; I wish I had heard this two years ago, however God in His Sovereignty decided to give it to me know.

I apologize for the length, but I hope it helps and instructs and convicts you as much as it did me. Enjoy!

March 20, 2012

Epilogue of Job 42:7-17 – God tells the three friends to ask Job to pray for them because God would accept Job’s prayer on their behalf. Job was blessed and comforted from all the evil that the Lord had allowed upon him. The Lord blessed the latter days of Job more than the earlier days. The daughters are named in the text, and given an inheritance like their brothers and noted to be the most beautiful women in the land.

When you read the summary of the restoration, the extent of the wealth, the data about his age, and the length of life; the thing in Scripture closest to the way the story of Job is wrapped up, what is most like that is the summary statements about the most important of the characters in Genesis. Particularly the summary statement of the life of Jacob. With the life of Jacob being told to us in segments of his life, and then when he dies virtually the same kind of summary statement.

But to talk about this final text, Job has seen that there is an experience more exquisite and more intense than even the harshest suffering and that experience is the presence of God in Job’s life. He recognizes at the end that this is the one thing that can never be taken away. When Job saw the Lord, and the Lord spoke to them, Job realized that the realities of life are far more complicated than are the generalities, the probabilities, and the wisdom; even the great wisdom collected by the wise and passed along. When we dip into this epilogue at the beginning, it begins with God’s verdict. And the verdict of God is that Job was true in his observations about the Lord; whereas making traditional wisdom fixed and inflexible yielded false assumptions and resulted in slander of God Himself – not to mention Job.

In Job 42:7-9, here is intercession. The first step in the restoration of Job was his intercession on behalf of those friends who had deepened his grief as he had to absorb those accusations of great sin; and rather than grieving Job was figuratively backed into a corner where he was forced to refute what he knew to be false.

This first step in his restoration was to renew his lifestyle of intercession. Prior to his great loss, the major focus of Job’s life was intercession. Look back and read Job 1 and 2. Takes a couple of minutes and then you know come back to what we are talking about now, and you will probably recognize the very careful inter-leafing of all of this into a seamless fabric. Prior to the loss of everything Job’s daily routine consisted of serious intercession on behalf of every one of his children. That intercession has been lost to him. I think it is probably not the least bit difficult to recognize the profound nature of all of this trauma; and to realize that not only did Job loose his children and his possessions, but he also lost the fundamental fabric of his life. So not only is he bereft of all that he loved, you know I suspect that he could see no way forward and certainly he could see no way back; believing his life to be forever changed.

One of the echo’s of Job found in this epilogue is the phrase, “My servant Job,” which repeats the designation of Job by the Lord in chapters 1 and 2. And Job learns that being the servant of the Lord involves an intimate relationship with God. And the Lord affirms the centrality of intercession in Job’s life. He can no longer intercede for the children he has lost. He must intercede even for those who have heightened and intensified his suffering.

Now can you see how seamlessly this can segway into the character and the conduct of Christ, and the fact that the Lord demands of His people that their character and conduct must reflect the character and the conduct of God. In terms of the length of this epilogue practically half of the verbiage is a somewhat detailed description of those things the friends of Job do to repent, plus the efficacy/ethic-acy of the intercession of Job. “I will forgive you when Job prays for you.” The beatitudes. You know, the specific details of beatitudes are reflected in Job’s own belief and behavior. And you know, make it a point to read the beatitudes as you reflect on this epilogue.

The Great Grief of Job gave way to additional wounds by those who had a duty to comfort Job. But the restoration of Job which is the remainder of the book – 42:10-17 – the restoration came once Job was as gracious to those who did not deserve it; as gracious as God Himself is gracious. Commentators including ancient rabbi’s and fathers of the early church have frequently made much of the fact that when the Lord restored Job, Job received double of everything that was taken away. Often commentators have observed that this is God’s equitable repayment to Job. If you read the Law of Moses, there is a system of repayment and reparations that often add value to the value of what was lost. For instance, if any kind of crime – crime against property, or crime against persons – when that kind of debt was repaid, it was repaid plus a premium – value added to that. And sense Job’s loss of everything was undeserved, and was a direct result of the activity of the adversary, that when God repaid Job, He added a premium to it. As they say in the trade, that’ll preach.

But all that fails to recognize that God did not owe Job. And that everything that the Lord ever did for Job was gracious and merciful. And so while that will preach, the reality is that the Lord makes no guarantees about life, and far less do the promises of God guarantee wealth and power, or even happiness. I am sure that Job always wished he could understand all of this. But he now knows that he will never understand. He did, however, learn by the harshest of life experience that God can always be trusted.

So Job 42:10-17: The Restoration! The Lord restored Job when Job was gracious to the undeserving. Even when restored, Job still needed comfort and consolation. And his family and his true friends provided that. Never again would Job fail to recognize the intensity of the sufferings of other people. As long as he lived, he had those ten graves to visit. He probably never wasted any opportunity to demonstrate love, compassion, support, encouragement to those who were in need, and to those who suffered.

The answer to all of his ‘WHY’ questions was ‘There is no answer.’

All that remains is the presence of God, and Job learned that that was enough.

Ever after, Job lived content in the knowledge that God would ultimately bring him safely home. One of the greatest preachers in Baptist history was a 20^th century pastor and revivalist named Vance Havner. Let me recommend the website www.vancehavner.com which is maintained by a friend and admirer of Havner. And while you are at it, let me recommend a companion site: www.2prophetu.com .

Vance Havner and his wife were childless. After his one pastorate, which was First Baptist Church of Charleston, S.C., for the rest of his life, Vance Havner’s ministry was itinerant. And the economic reality being what it was, it was seldom possible for Havner’s wife to travel with him. This story is fleshed out in Havner’s little book, ‘Though I walk through the valley.’ In the book, which Havner wrote after his wife died, he said that no matter where he was, every day that he traveled for that period of forty four years, every day he was away from home, he had a letter from his wife. You know he wasn’t sure how she managed that, except that she learned what typical delivery time would be for mail. Now it may seem like a radically different world, but during much of Havner’s career, he could not afford to make a lot of long-distance phone calls. So the primary contact with her for all of those decades was by mail. After forty-four years of marriage, Havner’s wife died. He outlived her by many years. And in that book, he wrote with such tender grief what all of that was like. What you might call the ‘punch line’ to the book was his statement near the end of that book. ‘It is easy to say that Jesus is all you need until Jesus is all you have. And then you realize that Jesus is all you want.’

Lessons from Job:

1. God never stifles a sincere question. But often He leaves them unanswered.

2. Learn to tell God how you feel, and be honest with God. He can take it. But remember who you are talking to.

3. Some answers will never come. Do not promise people that one day their questions will be answered. That is simply not true.

4. In every crisis, God can be trusted.

I think when I reflect on this I think of the words in part of a hymn, which has within the hymn this lyric: ‘Even when you cannot trace His hand, you can still trust His heart.’ If life has never dealt you the kind of blows that make you want to shake your fist in the face of God and demand an explanation; if that has not happened, it will.

Let me recommend a couple of authors:

David O. Seamands: Methodist pastor, professor, has got to be really old by now, if he’s still living. But he wrote several remarkable books that address the subjects, address situations of great pain, loss, and sorrow. They are remarkable. The first of those and the last time I checked, this one book had sold close to a million copies. I haven’t checked for 20 years. The title of that book is “Healing for damaged emotions.”

Archibald Hart: Arch is a professor at Fuller Seminary in California. I had the privilege of taking a couple of courses at Fuller’s extension location in Honolulu. Hart articulated some things that made a radical difference in not only in what I understand but in my own life. It is the theory of Hart that for believers, the most difficult aspect of suffering and loss is learning to forgive God. He is a Ph.D., he is a fully credentialed psychologist, and Arch says that having a robust faith in God can make the great trauma’s of life harder to deal with; because the believer knows that God can do whatever God wants to do. And so, you know, if you are the least bit orthodox in your own Christian faith, then you realize that either God allowed what happened, or God willed what happened. And if in fact God is God, what’s the difference? Because whether you explain things by saying, “God willed it,’ or saying ‘God allowed it,’ if in fact God possesses all real power, what is the difference? And you know Dr. Hart who also his wife as well is a fully credentialed psychologist, and the two of them are practicing psychologists in addition to his work as a professor. They believe that ordinarily people do not realize that they are angry with God. Because after all, this is something we are brought up – that’s a foreign concept. But he says that unless and until one recognizes anger and resentment against God, acknowledges is, owns it, and processes it by forgiving God, that they can never move past that point and become genuinely health emotionally and spiritually again.

You know I believe that they are correct. Emotions and no emotions are anymore visceral than is that complex of emotions that results from traumatic events – great loss, great suffering. The fact is that those emotions often have a life of their own. And it is an illusion to think that you can talk yourself out of all of the trauma that accompanies great loss. No. You have to live with it, you have to endure it, and you have ultimately you have to recognize it for what it is. And from a sincere heart, forgive God. In the great trauma’s of life, knowing that perhaps you should not feel a certain way doesn’t change the way you feel. You know I was very careful to question Archibald Hart in private as well as in public to be sure that I understood what he suggested. He was not suggesting that one should ask the Lord to forgive them for being angry with God. No, he was saying the individual must ultimately freely forgive God. And you know I think he is right; he has not written nearly enough about this but I have not laid eyes on him for 20 years. So he may well have published something in the meantime.

If in fact God is everything we believe He is, and if God is as the Bible presents Him, then it does I think, the more sound someone’s personal doctrine of god is, the harder it is to reconcile the great tragedies of life with God as we believe Him to be.

So Lord willing we will do something other than Job tomorrow.

Friday morning thoughts over tea

I am sitting in my living room, leisurely sipping tea and updating my blog. Ahh... what blissful luxury is mine today. :-) I have class starting at 8:30 or 8 am Monday through Friday, and work fifteen hours in those four days as well. The last few weekends have been a little hectic as once I finished my J-term homework I had to start right in on finishing two huge books (one was a doctorate level book... yeah I didn't get too far in that one) for my Apologetics 2 class and then once we got the class discussion out of the way for THAT I was working on a presentation on comparing C.S. Lewis to Francis Shaeffer for the same class. I loved it, I just wasn't focused too much on the concrete realm of reality ;-) In between all of that, my car finally gave up the ghost, but it took a little more for the final diagnosis of 'he's DEAD, Jim' to get proclaimed as we explored various options of life support and heroic measures of eeking out the last drops of life that we could from the poor old Blue Whale (it was a blue 1990 chevy lumina van, that was somehow christened 'the blue whale' and more often than not was 'the beached blue whale') I don't know why, but female chromosones are not designed to handle automobile trouble. It stresses us. I don't know why. It just does. Especially when it strands us in various places of the city. Guys think of it as a cool challenge; girls think of it as distress. So anyway. My Romanian brother and boyfriend got to exercise their 'save distressed female' powers during all of that. *sigh*
Now I am trying to gear myself up to drag myself away from musing on cyberspace and sending it out into the void. I have to figure out getting to the DMV to declare the Blue Whale dead, and I have to read some homework for my Methods of Biblical Counseling class. The lecture part of the class has been interesting if nothing else. I'm still not sure that I'm entirely sold on the paradigm of Biblical Counseling as presented at Boyce, but if nothing else its fun learning a different worldview and approach towards helping others through crisis and stresses.
I woke up thinking about Romania and replaying some memories of my time there through my brain. Along with everything else, I've been doing a lot of praying and soul searching about what God wants me to do after I graduate, what I want me to do after I graduate, what is being the best steward of what God has given me would be, etc. When I first came to college, my goal was to get back to Romania as soon as possible. While I don't doubt that God called me to go there when He did and do what I did, I have been really struggling with the thoughts of, well was that for always or just for a season? And I've been really musing about why I wanted to go, what I did while I was there, and why I loved it. The funny thing is that I went to the orphanage to see IF I could live overseas long-term as a missionary. While I was there I fell in love with various aspects of my situation there, but I lost sight of seeking the IF and decided it WAS. It was for that time, but I don't think I asked Him enough if it was for long-term times. So what is the long-term goal? Bear with me as I sort through my random-global thought process. If you don't want an interesting ride, just scroll down to the end ;-)

I discovered this last week that a girl I'm friends with is fluent in American Sign Language, and she invited me to go to her Deaf church with her sometime. I ended up skyping my friend who is deaf for a while and it was fun rediscovering that part of myself. My problem isn't 'oh my gosh, I've got to scrape together some options as I simply don't know what to do!' My problem is, "Holy schmoly, there are waaaay too many flippin' options of what I COULD do! Which one do I pick?!" I know I don't a normal 7-5 or 9-7 Mon-Fri job... I've mused quite a bit about a Master's in Teaching, but the thought of working in the School System makes my home school heart cringe and shudder for various reasons. A good friend of mine just discovered she's pregnant and asked me to be her Doula. I said yes, and then started thinking of delving back into the midwifery world... I just don't know how long I could handle the hours on a regular basis, as babies don't like to come into the world when its bright outside... they usually like ridiculous hours like 2 am.


The overall theme is wanting to serve people and show them how to serve God better and bringing Glory to God. I could do that in a normal occupation, in a dramatic and wacky occupation, and simply by being who God has created me in all situations He's put me (systematically confounding and irritating people as I go, driving them to their knee's in irritation most likely, but whatever) Whether that's as a volunteer at an orphanage, a missionary to Gypsies, an interpreter for the Deaf, a teacher in various capacities, a Doula or Midwife, a wife and mother, a good friend, or something else entirely that God has yet to show me, I hope to be obedient to His calling and a faithful witness to Him.

Final stretch of Summer Break

Summer break is drawing to a close; a fact made all the more real as I begin pulling out textbooks to finish my Theology J-term and start moving books from last year to make way for incoming schoolbooks for this year. On the one hand, I'm excited to get back into a schedule, to know what my week will generally look like, (to be able to post on my blog regularly again lol), to be forced to inhale knowledge & be challenged by new idea's and developed philosophies and alternate explanations for things I had always taken for granted, etc. etc.
On the other hand, I'm not looking forward to getting back into a rote schedule of my nose to the grindstone, trying to find that balance between schoolwork, work work, and having a social life; of trying to find the balance between taking advantage of living in such a christian-saturated environment and resenting being in a God-bubble that gets claustrophobic sometimes; of being constantly reminded that I am different no matter where I go and my non-conformist tendencies throw people into a conundrum in every setting I am ever in - which sometimes endears but usually just throws people for a loop.
There's a fine balance between owning the fact that as Christians we are to be set apart, but not elitist. How exactly one accomplishes this balance is not something I've solved yet, and I really don't think anyone ever does.
But I digress. I was really getting stressed about starting my Senior year, as I still have yet to solve this problem of completing a 3-5 month internship. To further complicate matters, my car won't stay on, and I don't have the resources to fix it just yet. However, no car = can't do an internship stateside. However, to do the internship overseas, I would have to either take a semester off, or 'graduate' but not receive my diploma until next fall. I kinda want my diploma when I walk.
So I called my friend in a crisis the other night, and she did a good job listening to me and then said at the end of my rant, 'Sounds like you are trying to make God into an 8-ball."
"What?!"
"You are so concerned with what to DO. But I don't hear you relaxing in God's Truth. Calm down. Has God ever let you down before? Doesn't He always pull you through? The question isn't 'will God come through' but 'how much are you going to panic before He does.'
Conviction. Wham.
So the last few days have been me see-sawing between externalizing my anxt about what is to come, and being constantly reminded through friends, a womens retreat, and music to relax and wait on the Lord.
Which sounds wonderful, but is a lot tougher to actually DO. My boyfriend said humorously that one of his biggest challenges so far in our relationships is trying to get my brain to just STOP and relax for a while, as it is always going! Yeah...
Anyway. Its been a great break, although entirely different from the other two summer breaks. The first one I spent in Romania and last summer I worked at a Christian camp. This year I bee-bopped around the Country, helping here and there, visiting, working, but not staying in the same place for more than a week at a time. Glorious to be able to travel around like that, and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to do it again so I'm glad I did it when I could.

Anyhoo I'm sort of rambling right now. I'll close with the final quotes from my J-term last week. Enjoy :-)

To protect the identities of those involved, I will preface this story this way: Long ago in a galaxy far far away, I was an interim pastor…

And I wanted to say (something mouthy) but I had a brief moment of sanctification and I didn’t.

Any of you want to go into the ministry? Teach six-grade boys. Student: Does this apply to girls? Prof: YES, teach six grade girls! It will make you or break you!

This kid kept throwing fig newtons at whoever walked out of the bathroom, and I said, ‘Dave, if you throw another fig newton at someone, I’m going to stuff one up your nose.’ Kid threw another newton, I threw him on the bed and stuffed one up his nose.

This woman said she was going to pick up some stuff from my store, and I knew that her father was the spitting image of Henry Kissenger. So I had very LOW expectations. Well, I was pleasantly surprised. And I looked at her and said, you know, tomorrow’s my birthday. I just moved here, you’re from here. Do you know of anything fun? And she said, well that’s funny the next day is my birthday.’ Now, I’m not very good, but I can do something we that! So my now-wife and I celebrated our birthdays together...

We were meeting as a youth group at a YMCA pool because that’s the only place with baptismal facilities for the youth group. But I thought we were just meeting for youth group, and so I forgot to bring my baptismal robe. The only thing I had in the car was an oversized LedZephlin t-shirt…

If there’s ever a nuclear takeover, only two things will survive: Cockroaches and Baptist Communion wafers. And ultimately the Cockroaches won’t survive because they won’t eat the wafers.

If you look at the Catechism, Purgatory is a place of burning. Most Catholics don’t know that. They think its dark and shadowy… not someplace you want to be. Kind of like Detroit. And the idea is that you gonna be there a while. Bring a lunch.

If I said, ‘honey I’m on my way home.’ And it took me 2 weeks to get home, I’d come home and find my books out in the front yard. Because she knows that I love my books the most, after her. I love my grandkids too, but they don’t live with us. Of all the things in my house, I love my wife first and then my books. Student: More than your cowboy boots? Prof: oooh…. Okay it’d be my books AND my cowboy boots. I forgot about those.

Chapter 19 is the Second Coming of Christ. When you read this chapter, this is like the Battle before the gates of Mordor! Mount Doom is about to fall! Gandalf and Aragorn have lifted up their swords, only there’s only ONE sword here, and that’s the Sword of the Lord!

I have granted my wife the privilege of disagreeing with me on any 3 theological issues of her choosing at one time. They can rotate, but they can’t be more than 3. Its very kind of me, I know. I’m just a kind-hearted guy.

compare and contrast.... bleh!!!

Which requires more faith: dealing directly with God and trusting the unseen in the physical realm,
OR
dealing with man and the seen, in which the spiritual realm is still very real and present, yet not as tangible?

I'll explain what I mean through an example. Which missionary has more faith: the one who is part of a faith-based organization, relying on prayer for support (like George Mueller)
OR
A missionary who is part of an organization which provides his physical needs and has a network of prayer support, but bureaucratic, rather micromanaging tendencies in the name of ensuring constancy in the vision and goal of its workers?

Because the former deals directly with the Almighty who is Unseen but always Present and Perfect and reliable.
The second deals with imperfect humans who are obnoxious and irritating and backstabbing, and one must again rely completely on the Lord for feedback and guidance when interacting with said individuals. Not saying that ALL of them are like that ALL the time, but that particular aspect IS more ready in the second setting than the first. Just sayin.'

It has recently occurred to me that my time as a full time undergrad student is entering into its final chapter (providing no further catastrophe's decide to drop in on my life, that is) and I need to start thinking about what I'm going to do with myself once I get that much-coveted piece of paper that says I'm a real person who has a brain (i.e. my diploma). There's several options of what I could do and they are all good. The trouble is which applications do I start praying about and filling out and which ones do I not even bother about?
Part of me isn't worried about it at all and the other part is trying to not start hyperventilating from anxiety. There's been so much wierdness and transition in my life for the last year and a half and it was so nice to just have a breather this semester of nothing wacky disrupting life (shoot, I've gotten all my papers turned in on time this semester, and decent grades on all my tests!! do you know how LONG its BEEN since that happened?!) and now I've got to start looking ahead to the next big transition. What to do after graduation. Shoot. I don't WANNA!

Part of me looks with longing at my friends who will graduate with the M.R.S. degree, and another part of me is incredibily releived that I"m not yet 'chained to a house of stone' as Tolkien's character says (somewhat paraphrased) in "The Return of the King" (BOOK, not movie). On the one hand its intimidating to have that aspect of my future completely open for any possibility and on the other hand profoundly liberating and adventuresome to trust the fact that I serve an amazing God who has amazing plans and will do amazing things with me as I am and bring amazing people into my future. A guest speaker in class today mentioned the fact that as single people we can hop into the car for off-hand road trips and are far more open to ministry at late night hours in out-of-the-way places than people with families are. And while I have been told numerous times that I am CLEARLY not called to be single, I am incredibly thankful for this season of singleness.

There's a recruiter on campus who works for a faith-based organization. Talking with him today revealed a ministry that reflected many of the mentalities and guiding principles that I was convicted of when I returned home from the mission field in 2006. While I don't know if this is the particular ministry God wants me to work with long term, it has definately given me food for thought and caused me to examine mindsets and mentalities I have grown out of in the last few years. Or areas that I haven't wanted to think about because of the 'survival mode' I had been operating under since October of 2009. Not trying to sound TOO dramatic or anything. Its just I've got 'The Last Samurai" soundtrack playing while I write this, and emotionally - extended family passing away, my parent's house fire, and other personal drama - its felt like I've had a finger over the 'red alert, panic stations' button for a while.

SO while the faith-based organization is appealing, I'm realizing that I've turned into a chicken regarding faith for crazy, long term things. SO the question to be voiced in my prayer life now is, have I 'lost' an aspect of young faith that I had when I was 18, or have I grown and matured in my faith and learned that certain things simply aren't 'wise'?

Some very good friends of mine (its a whole family) are, along with their church, supporting a student from Africa who is bringing his family over while he finishes school, despite severe financial setbacks. The constant question this family has asked themselves is, 'when does it stop being faith and become simply crazy?'

A lot of the stories you read about amazing faith-filled lives (greats such as George Mueller, Gladys Ailward, Corrie Ten Boom, etc) include stories of pure craziness.
There is a difference between crazy faith and foolishness, but again, how does one differentiate?

I was asked today in class by the guest speaker, "Out of all the places you've lived, which one is your favorite?" I asked for clarification. "Well which one would you like to move back to and settle down in?"
Well to be frank I couldn't answer him; not because I've hated all the places I've lived but because for whatever reason the thought of 'settling down' and planning where I live just hasn't ever been on the radar for a while. God opens doors and I either run through them or get kicked through them. Never entirely sure what is happening at the time, but sure that the fingerprints of God are all over the events. (I didn't say it half as good as that at the time)

Yes I am definitely in ramble-mode. Sorry.

So all that to say, the Lord has just been bringing people into my life that have me constantly evaluating and praying and Listening and searching Scripture and Waiting and Wondering.

SO the reason for the opening question is... faith based organization run in a fashion similar to George Mueller's operation...
or the safer route... IMB? Not sure.
They both have pro's and con's. They both have areas in which I strongly agree and area's in which I'm not entirely sure I stand and other areas that... well, please just don't ask my opinion of it, thank you. ;-) But its that way with anything...
I know I've got about a year and a half to make decisions, but as I said... application processes take six months to a year...

And I REALLY don't want to be one of those graduates who collapses with relief upon getting the diploma from the Dean and doesn't DO anything for a year or two...

Okay enough of sending my wack-job thoughts and musings into the void. I'm going to bed. Unless, of course, my dear roomie wants to let me have more of her lamb-mushroom-curry-amazingness that she let me try a few seconds ago.... *smacks lips*
:-D

p.s. Okay so the websites for the two mission organizations I'm talking about in this post are:
IMB:
http://www.imb.org
WEC
http://www.wec-usa.org

Old pictures, thoughts and memories

Found some 'old' picture CD's while going through some old boxes and found these. While it doesn't look like I'll be taking any trips in the near future, my traveling foot is itching. So I thought I would post some of them, and also give you an update as to what God has been doing recently.

I think its been partially due to the fact that there's been some helpful attempts to cure me and a good friend of mine of that horrid condition, sans husband. And my reaction is to either take them to school as to why that is not helpful, or to simply run away. I know, neither of which are helpful or functional... but its still my immediate reaction.

While she and I both appreciate the good intentions behind the gestures, neither of us see the need for concern from anyone, as the Lord has been doing a huge work in both of us as far as finding our contentment and fulfillment in Christ alone. May sound over spiritual, but that is what it is. And God has blessed us with some great friends.

If we weren't single, I don't think we could enjoy all the platonic friendships God has been showering us with.

Or be available for all the different ministry opportunities that keep coming our way. Its been weird having to turn down stuff the last few weeks. Saturdays are crazy, and there's always opportunities to fill them with more stuff.

While I'm thankful that there is too much instead of not enough, its been a new challenge trying to discern what to keep and what to cut out, how to manage time... balancing relationships of all kinds with what needs to get done.

And learning the difference between what I NEED and what I WANT. And how to clearly represent the difference both to myself and others when talking about it. Or learning how to just not talk about it at all, except in prayer.

And seeing the Lord provide tiny gestures of compassion and grace in small things, and thanking Him for them.
And trying to be still and at peace so that I can overflow with blessings upon others. I've really been convicted recently of trying to discern if what I'm saying is edifying or just jabbering. I don't have it down to a fine art by any means. Its funny how when I have the best of intentions, things are still so poorly communicated. I'm not sure if thats a lack on my part or others' issues, and I've been praying about it.
(And I'm feeling rather melodramatic right now because I've got these cool pictures that I took a couple years ago that I really feel should be on some halmark card somewhere, and I'm listening to the 'Blood Diamond' soundtrack ;-) And its late and I've had a crazy busy fun day with waaaay too much sugar in it and a ton of different accents. :-D)

There's something really nice about typing with the lights off with it raining gently outside in the dark with good instrumental music with a minor key's lilt to it. :-)

We read through the book of Romans this evening, and then shared some interesting stories. A Pastor was beaten up in Rajasthan, India a few days ago, and his church is really scared right now. A Christian girl was kidnapped in a Muslim country... a thousand Pakistani's came to Christ last week... a church leader or two was assassinated in Pakistan. So we prayed for them, we prayed for us...
We prayed for where God is going to take us in the future and that no matter what we would be faithful and a light for Christ. On the one hand it was rather intimidating, asking for these things, knowing that when one submits to the Lord, anything will happen. But at the same time it was exhilarating, knowing that when one is submitted to the Lord, anything will happen! And it will be His will!!
And I wondered once again, thinking about where my family has been and is and where I have been and am... why does God give an extra measure of Grace and provision and comfort to some, despite being in the midst of the Fire... while others feel left alone by Him? And one of my dear friends said to me, "you cannot ask God 'why this and not that,' you can only thank Him for what is and seek to be faithful to those who don't have."
I was talking with another friend last night and we were talking about church leadership and dysfunction amongst laity and how to be a Christian serving in a secular workplace without being obnoxious for the Faith and at the same time not being invisible for the Gospel. Its a fine line and we didn't figure it out, although I did determine by the end of it that people are gonna be mad either way, so mights as well have them mad at you for holding onto the Truth rather than compromising, feeling guilty and STILL having people mad at you.

And I have concluded I have no idea what God is going to do with my future. My friend laughed and said in mock exasperation as I talked animatedly about yet ANOTHER mission field in ANOTHER country, 'I hear a different country from you every time we speak! You just can't make up your mind, can you?' Well.. they all need the Gospel and sound COOL as far as culture and language and clothing go, so...

All that to say I don't know exactly what God is doing or where He is taking me or what is going to happen in the future. But I do know that He is giving me opportunities for Sanctification. And I also know I miss Magda's coffee. And I miss Geza and I arguing about beverage health benefits or lack thereof. And I miss wandering the village, meeting familiar faces and being greeted by a handshake. But I know I'm where God wants me, and I know that He has a purpose and is blessing me on a daily basis with new friends and old friendships deepening and new opportunities opening up. And I'm excited to see what God has.