paths and light

It was that horrible part of the month when the moon didn't rise for a few days. Because it was winter, the stars were veiled in the night sky. The sidewalk was an example of the depravity of mankind and a testimony to Communist quality (or lack thereof) and the cobblestones peeking out underneath the gaping holes in the road's blacktop might have been set down by the Romans in BC days. The road and the sidewalk were separated by a 10-foot deep ditch filled with snow sludge, cow manure, dirt washed off from the nearby fields, and last summer's grass.
And pre-European Union Transylvania did not believe in street lights!!!!
My host sister had been walking this life-threatening trail since she could walk and remembered when many of the snags and cracks had formed. She walked with confidence, never breaking her stride, matter-of-factly blazing the trail in front of us, plunging into the inky blackness that opened before us as we left the church.
I, however, was not nearly so confident.
First of all, the crags, snags, and jags of the way in which we were traveling spelled death to my American feet, unaccustomed as they were to walking everywhere we went, let alone on that kind of byway.
Second, I will admit this: I just don't like dark. I mean, I like it when I am trying to fall asleep. Thats it. Dim, sure. Night time with night lights where teeny specks of lumination glow and bring warm fuzzy feelings, sure. Pitch black? Forget it.

So I slowed down. In fact, I barely creeped forward. My host brother walking behind me almost crashed into me.
"NA!" He exclaimed in surprise. Our fearless leader turned around in surprise, but didn't see a reason for the interjection, so resumed her pace. I was too proud to ask her to slow down, because then I'd have to admit my fear of the dark, and the sidewalk, and I wasn't about to do that. (I've had a few years of sanctification since this took place ;-D)
Hungarians are an observant bunch. As I was picking my way, trying to speed up but not trip, suddenly a blinding light illuminated my path. It seriously was really really bright at first. I turned with surprise to see what it was.
My host brother had turned on his cell phone, which gave off a very very dim light, and was holding it over my shoulder so that I could see where I was going.
The thing is, cell phones 5 years back did not give off the brightest light.
However, my eyes were starting to adjust to the dark dark darkness of that Transylvanian winter night. So even a little light was almost overwhelming.
I was sooo grateful for that light. I could see where I was going!!!!

However, I realized I couldn't see that far ahead of me. In fact, just barely ahead of where I wanted to plant my feet next as I picked up my stride. However, it didn't matter, as I knew my guide knew where we were going, and I had a light held by someone I trusted who was making sure I didn't trip. Showing me what to do just then.

Now, I'm utilizing poetic license here to slightly dramatize the situation, as it illustrates a dilemma I've been struggling with for the last few months.
Gosh darn it, I knew where I was supposed to go and who I was gonna minister to, and how, and somewhat when.
However, the chain of events starting almost exactly a year ago have completely incinerated all such plans.
Its slightly irritating.

Today I sang with the college choir at the Seminary chapel. Before we started I noticed a couple I have seen at my church. The husband is deaf and the wife is hearing. I haven't had a chance to talk with them yet, but took the opportunity when we took a five minute break right before the chapel started to run say hi.
I haven't practiced my Signing in over a year.
But both were thrilled to meet a fellow 'Signer'
The husband watched us while we talked and signed at the same time so he could follow our conversation and the wife asked what I was studying. I told her missions.
"Have you thought about Deaf Missions?" (a new focus the International Mission Board has been emphasizing recently, as there is a huge need for Deaf Ministries overseas)
"Yeah I've thought about it. I'm a little overwhelmed right now with all the different options I have though."
"Well, how much longer do you have at school?"
"After this semester a year and a half." (suppressed squawk of shock, thrill, pride, and terror at that statement)
She laughed and her signing became a full-bodied expression.
"Honey you have TIME! God will show you at the right moment what to do and not before."
We laughed.

At the beginning of the semester I was griping to a guy friend my dilemma of not knowing the specifics of what God was doing in my life, why such intense refinement, why did my dreams and plans have to be shattered.
I love this friend because he is arguably brilliant yet very unassuming about it. He's one of those throw-back hippies who expect people to act smart and logically and don't have the time of day for those who don't. It can be irritating of course but also very helpful.
"You know, I really struggled with that too. Why did God send me to the Mission Field and have me fall in love with it right before my health completely broke? I can't live far from American medicine; I'll die without it now. God knew that. He also knew I would fall in love with South American when He sent me. It drove me nuts for a while. God could heal me. He doesn't. Why? And God kept bringing me the verse in Psalm 119:105 "Your Word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path." That frustrated me because I was like, 'God! I AM reading Your word! I don't get it!' And then I thought about what kind of lights they used back then. Really small hand held oil lamps that only lit up the path directly in front of you. And I realized, when God gives you direction He only gives you enough for what is directly in front of you."
In Exodus 16, Israel complains because they don't have food. So in verse 4 the Lord tells Moses that He is going to rain Manna down from Heaven. (Manna is a Hebrew word that has been transliterated because saying "Manna" sounds better than saying "What is it" which is what Manna means. Manna = what is it. See verse 14-15)
"...and the people shall go out and gather a day's portion every day, that I may test them, whether they will walk in my law or not. On the sixth day, when they prepare what they bring in, it will be twice as much as they gather daily." (Exodus 16:4-5)
It has always struck me that God only allowed the Israelites to collect the day's portion of food. Only on the Sabbath - the day they were to rest and reflect on God's goodness - could they gather enough for two days.
I find myself wanting enough for today and tomorrow. However God also said that He was going to test the Israelite's faith by limiting them to one day. They, unfortunately rather predictably, failed the test and gathered enough for two days, frustrating Moses and witnessing the Lord making their food moldy, unclean, and just plain gross.
Its not a nasty test, its just an example to me of my lack of faith, which is just as appalling as that mess of worms and mold the Manna turned into.
Proverbs 4:18 says "But the path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, which shines brighter and brighter until full day."
Dawn doesn't come all at once. It starts as a very small tiny light on the horizon. Barely clouding the stars. Then it grows slowly, easing back the blanket of stars, chasing them to the opposite horizon as the various morning colors slowly overtake the sky. First the velvety black blue of the outer space the stars peek out from, then a lighter blue and bright purples, and then the warm orange and reds that announce the sun is about to come up.
But it starts slowly. Its mistakeable for something else. But then, agonizingly slow it seems at first, or unnoticeably, suddenly things are not shadows and dark shapes anymore, but merely dim, and you can see whats in front of you, and then you see them clearly.

"For the LORD gives wisdom; from His mouth come knowledge

and understanding; He stores up sound wisdom for the upright;

He is a shield to those who walk in integrity, guarding the paths

of justice and watching over the ways of His saints. Then you will

understand righteousness and justice and equity, every good path;

for wisdom will come into your heart, and knowledge will be

pleasant to your soul; discretion will watch over you, understanding

will guard you..."

Proverbs 2:6-11

To just wait for His wisdom to come and illuminate and guide in His timing. I'm sure at first I'll be blinded by it like I was by the cell phone in Romania. "WHAT THE MESS KIND OF PLAN IS THAT?" I'm sure I'll yell in flabergastation when "The Plan" is finally revealed. "THAT'S what You've been preparing me for?!?! Well for goodness' sakes, why didn't You just SAY that in the first place?" And then the realization will hit me, as my eyes adjust to the new illumination, that if He had shown me that earlier, I would have been completely blinded, not just dazzled.

So anyway I've just been mulling over these things pretty much all semester. So I thought I'd get it out of my system and send it into cyberspace. :-) I hope it encourages you; but it is late, and I've been praparing for midterms and class presentations and a spur-of-the-moment-mission-of-mercy-trip some AMAZING buddies from school have thrown together to help my family in rebuilding their house (which is STILL undergoing reconstruction and refurbishing from the house fire that happened almost a YEAR ago... how time flies and at the same time limps by... it seems like yesterday and also another lifetime ago...)

All that to say, I'm exhausted, and I fear it may show in my writing. :-)

In Christ,

~Princess Ouch~