The Zoo

My boyfriend was able to come up for Sunday and Monday. Sunday we went to the Deaf Church together and I embarrassed him when the pastor was going over a list in Ecclesiastes about earning money. "We could earn money," he signed, "or we could steal it." he was going to go on to say borrowing as well (this was not a list of stuff that he was encouraging, he was just listing options before saying the most godly option was to earn by your own sweat) when I signed, 'Careful! He's a cop!" and pointed to Kyle. The whole church erupted in laughter and lots of handcuffing signs were pointed at Kyle and whatever church members were not in favor with the person signing. It was hilarious. Then on Monday he took me to my internship luncheon. It wasn't very filling so we went to the restaurant where we went on our first 'date' before we were dating and then he took me to the Police supply store to get his Pap some boots that were on sale. He found some for me too, and now I have my first ever work boots from a police store! I'm wearing them right now and they are SOOO comfortable!

Then we went and picked up my friend Amber and went to the Zoo! We've been talking about it for months, and finally the day was fine enough we decided to do it.

Seems like every zoo I go to, there are always Peacocks running around. Is there some kind of law about that?
Comparing our hands to gorilla hands. Dey be huge, man!



There's this youtube that's gotten really popular called 'man on a buffalo.' Its these guys singing over a very corny 70's show about a man who rides a buffalo and rides around doing various heroic and hippie-esc things (like riding a buffalo for example.) There is also a statue of a buffalo in South Dakota of a buffalo that has been the prop for many pictures of me with friends and family over the years. So we decided that we just had to use the opportunity to continue with the good memories of buffalo statues, while singing, 'Man on a buffalo!"


Amber and I being Flamingo's. Pretty convincing, right?

OK so there was this old clunker van in the Africa section demonstrating what one would ride in if one went on a Safari. I told Kyle we HAD to go ride in it because it would help him get his feet wet in overseas travel and missions. He refused and I dragged and pushed him. Well, the poor man was trying to comply rather quickly and ended up bashing his head on the rim of the van door. :-((( So... this was me trying to cheer him up and him trying to look perturbed. Isn't he cute when he's steamed? :-D

Amber was a far more willing partner in crazy van photos.
It feels like pictures in front of signs marking the area one is in are a must, however there is rarely a good, natural, or fun looking photo in front of said signs. This is Kyle and I with the sun in our eyes after a VERY fun two hours at the zoo with our dear friend Amber!!!

And this is us at Logan's Roadhouse afterward. Mr. K had a gift card and I had never been to a Logans. And I keep craving steak these days. Its a very expensive craving, however I am blessed to have a boyfriend who dearly loves his steak as well. We got ours medium done and he said that it still wasn't as good as the steak I made him for his birthday :-DDDDD
And that was our day at the Zoo. :-)

Just to clarify

I was told yesterday that I probably ought to think about editing or deleting my last post because I sounded furious and hurt and a little bitter. There didn't seem to be any hope attached to the post and it might not be best for cyberspace to be exposed to that particular part of my life.
Just to clarify some things:
I'm not bitter. I am incredibly frustrated with a dynamic that constantly seems to be confronting me both at school and at home. No matter how hard I pray or try to get it right, it feels like I am always falling short. Or at least, not meeting people's ideals. This is then articulated as selfishness, sin, inconsiderate of me, or not allowing people to offer me accountability that I clearly need.
I'm not bitter about it I'm just very discouraged.
The argument was also put to me that ANYONE can read it. Well quite honestly I was hoping that certain people WOULD read it.
The argument that I constantly these days is hear is, 'Well, I proclaimed God's word and it will not return void.' I'm sorry but if you are so hung up on merely projecting your interpretation on how things ought to be that you don't care about the hurt and confusion you are creating, that is wrong. And I think more people need to be aware that what they are doing is not declaring some profound ideal that is mulled over and meditated on and finally convicted by. No what they are doing is creating hurt and confusing and sometimes jeopardizing relationships. I'm not just talking about me, I've seen this in others as well.
There is a time to speak. I totally agree. The flip side is that there is a time to be silent. My experience is that many of my brothers and sisters in Christ are very quick to speak and less quick to pray; both about their concern and also on what they should or shouldn't say.
Am I angry? Yes. I'm still angry because this issue isn't going away. Someone very close to me would say, 'Well what is God trying to teach you through this?'
Well... it seems to me that the lesson I need to learn is how to graciously cut people off and tell them to mind their own business - in a Christianese sort of way that is.
Yes the Holy Spirit does speak through His Church. I'm not questioning that. I just am questioning whether this is one of those instances or not. And since the issues and concerns that have been brought up are not valid because of lack of information, OR they are based off of one (of many) interpretations of Scripture, then I am choosing -prayerfully- to dismiss the feedback.
My frustration is that these are people I love and care about. I want to take what they say seriously and to heart. However it becomes a burden and takes time and energy that I honestly can't afford them right now. I am in a season of life that is demanding because I am trying to honor what my mom and dad told me I need to do: Graduate and aim for good grades. To graduate I need to do this internship, to get good grades I need to spend my brain space studying. All that equals TIME and brain space.
I don't pretend to understand all that God is doing in my life. I agree I have changed over the years. Hey guess what so has everyone else! Am I the carefree young girl I was when I first came to school? Nope. Sorry. Parents house burning down and family displaced for a month/year; serious debilitating illnesses over and over; family members dying and funerals consistently during finals week, the pressure to finish the semester well AND attend funerals AND see that people have safe housing while they travel; betrayal by some very dear friends without warning... um that sort of adds up to a sobering effect on a girl! So I have changed.

I am still passionate about ministry.
I love the Lord dearly. I know that He is with me always.
I know that He has a plan and He is faithful. He gives and takes away, though He slay me yet I will serve Him. Blessed be the Name of the Lord.
I am still striving to fulfill His will for my life as faithfully as I know how through prayer, study of His word and seeking wisdom from faithful saints who have proved their faithfulness over the years.
I am seeking to surround myself with such wise people and who are 'compatible' for future ministries; although I think the word 'compatible' is funny because if you ever look around a healthy, functioning church that actively serves the Lord corporately... well I at least am constantly amazed at the hodgepodge of people there. They would NEVER be friends apart from one common dynamic theme: Jesus. And their differences compliment each other! Is it what THEY originally thought, planned, dreamed? NO. But God knew better.
God knows best and I am trying as much as I know how to pursue that. Is it confusing? Heck yeah.
But again: ASK FIRST, pray next, get concerned/judge five steps later.

Now... should I delete the last post?
I am still thinking about it. After all, it is going to be filed away someplace and anyone can access it.
I don't know. Part of me wants to. Part of me wants to delete this post as well. Part of me wants to just pretend like everything is okay and keep listening to the 'feedback' from people and be nice and stuff it all away and pretend like it isn't there.
I mean, non-Christians and other people might see these things as well.
BUT...
Why is it so bad to be vulnerable? Why is it bad for non-believers to hear/see that we aren't perfect amongst ourselves... that a lot of the frustrations they have with the church are the same frustrations we have with the church but the Truth still remains and that is why we put up with it?
Why is it so bad for people to realize that they are being a pain in the wazoo and really hurt someone and continue to do so? if they STOP it, then it was worth it, right?
I don't know. There are certain things about me that are really private and I won't ever voice to the void. But there are other certain things that I really really really want some people to hear and understand. I've tried saying it to their face. I've tried saying it gently, forcefully, sad, happy, mad, and as a joke. Its not received. So... blog about it?
If you have an alternative I'm all ears.
Just ask questions before you start judging me about it ;-)

Hurt and frustrated

I really wish people would ask questions before they 1. jump to conclusions and 2. judge me for those conclusions and then 3. call me into accountability for those conclusions they jumped to based on incomplete facts, misinformation or miscommunication.

And I wish people would stop projecting their ideals and their issues on me and then telling me how unhappy they are afraid I'll be if I don't live up to them.

*sigh* I had an interesting interaction with some friends this morning. I don't want to go into it. I'm just sad and hurt and sad again.

And I'm tired of constantly being told that what I"m doing or the way I'm doing it is hurting others or wrong or inconsiderate or selfish or rebellious or not biblical etc. I don't disagree that I've made mistakes, I'd just like every once and a while the people I love and respect who are idealistic and live radically to say, "Hey, here is what you are doing RIGHT. Good job." and then LEAVE it at that. Not, 'Here's what you are doing right but you could actually do it better if you did this this and this.' or "well, I know you are TRYING to do the right thing and I'm proud of you for that but REALLY what you need to do is this.' or "Well you COULD do it that way but we did it THIS way and thats the best way to do it. Look how well it turned out for us?" yeah see I'm not you so it wouldn't work that way for me.

Or I love this one: I'm just so afraid you are going to get hurt.

Really? You must life in a constant state of terror then because no matter what I do or who I do it with or where I go, I am going to get hurt. Sucks and is part of life but there it is.

I KNOW what they mean; there's getting hurt and then there is getting heartbroken. I know the difference and I know thats what they mean. I'm just really really discouraged. Because it feels like whenever I live the way that feels fulfilling and what God wants me to do, I'm going to hurt those I love. This may be a misconception, but based on my understanding of the feedback of thats how it is. Which...

lol and then comes the line, 'there's no pressure.'

Ha!

Liar.

Urgh...

I just stopped by to visit this morning. I just stopped by to visit over christmas. I am just STOPPING BY TO SAY HI because I love you. But it can never be just a, 'hey I love you,' its got to be a huge dramatic soul-searching time of conviction and 'here's how you screwed up again.' or 'here's what you really ought to do BETTER if you REALLY love Jesus and want a meaningful relationship with us.' 'because we want what's best for you.'

Yes... but did you hear the part where I said I love you?

Did you realize that I'm trying?

Oh wait. Its not the particular WAY you want it. I didn't use the right synonym. Or I didn't have the right resources to meet your need, because YOU don't need to call for clarification or ask for my reasoning or have any obligation to give me the benefit of the doubt.

And 'best' for you is not 'best' for me.

I'm just so so so discouraged right now.