Paradigm towards matrimony

A friend sent me this, and I thought it was a very interesting perspective / approach. I thought it kind of funny in light of some conversations I've been having recently with several different people. Hope you enjoy. :-)

Finding a wife the Romanian wayThe Convention of Hungarian Baptist Churches comprises approximately 250 churches, mainly in the northern region of Transylvania. These churches experienced revival during the 1960s and consequently they are strong spiritually if not materially, with some village churches having 200-300 members.

Pal Borzasi is a young man in his mid-20s, who is in his final year at the Hungarian Baptist Seminary in Cluj-Napoca. Pal spent a year in England in 1996-97 studying at the European Missionary Fellowship's School of Evangelism at Welwyn.

Pal got married in the summer to Anna Kiraly. What is unusual about that? When it comes to Christian courtship and marriage, there is a great difference between Romania and Britain.

The marriage prayer list
Marriage in the Baptist churches in Romania is NOT the culmination of a series of broken relationships. This unbiblical approach is unknown to Romanian Christians. In Romania, young men and women do not normally date or form romantic attachments of any kind before marriage. How then do they find suitable marriage partners?

When a Christian young man wants to get married in Romania, he does not tell anyone of his intention, but sets himself to pray for the Lord's guidance to the right young woman. Often, as in the case of Pal, he may have a list of women whom he would consider possible candidates for marriage. This then forms his prayer list which will be used over the next months. He will trust the Lord to direct him by overruling providence to the woman who will be his choice.

Anna Kiraly
Throughout this initial phase, the young woman knows nothing about this process; in fact, for young Christian women to make known their romantic interest in any young man is forbidden and seen as very worldly. If she does have a liking for any man, then she must leave it with the Lord and wait upon his will. 'But how will you ever find a husband if you are not actively looking for one?' someone asked Anna Kiraly last Christmas. Her reply was: 'I am not looking for a husband. The Lord knows who is best for me and he will bring that husband to me if I wait for his timing and his choice.' To Western ears, sadly, this sounds very strange but perhaps it shows how far from the Lord's ways we have strayed.

When the man is sure that the woman in mind is the wife of his and the Lord's choosing, then - and only then - will he privately approach her and make known to her his thinking. Following this, she has up to three months to pray about the proposed marriage. During this time, the matter is kept secret from all others so that should she refuse him, no disgrace is brought to them or the name of the Lord's people. If she refuses his offer, then no one need ever know about it, and the whole process begins again. So how did Paul and Anna get together?

Last Christmas, Anna, who is studying at EMF, came to stay with us as a family for the holidays. Pal, who was over here for the Carey Ministers' Conference in early January, visited us at Ramsey with his ulterior motive, of which she was blissfully unaware, of proposing marriage to Anna. On December 29, Pal made known his feelings to Anna, who was so shocked she could not eat properly for the next few days but spent the time praying and thinking about whether to accept Pal's proposal. She later confided that in her heart of hearts, Pal had been the one young man that she had wanted as a husband but had considered him to be beyond her expectations. He, on the other hand, confessed that he loved Anna so much that he could not imagine what he would do if she refused him. On New Year's Eve, she accepted his invitation to become his wife. After watching the television pictures of the millennium fireworks on the River Thames, they made the joyous announcement to myself and my wife.

The lessons?
What can we as Christians learn about courtship and marriage from the Hungarian Baptists of Romania?

First, dating as we know it in this country, especially among teenagers, is unbiblical and runs the great risk of encouraging emotional attachments which are too close and very painful to break, and which can spoil fellowship between God's people. It is often the case that men and women have left their churches for another because it is too painful to stay because of the presence of a former sweetheart who is perhaps married to someone else. Socialising and sharing fellowship in groups is a much better way for young men and women to get to know each other, without getting too close, until they are ready to consider marriage. Surely it is not the will of the Lord, who 'hates divorce' (Malachi 2.16), to see his children hurting one another in this deepest of all human relationships, the love of one man for one woman? Note that in Bible times, engagement was seen by the Jews as tantamount to marriage (Matt. 1.18-19).

Secondly, for a Christian man to say to a woman: 'I love you', it must be understood as a proposal of marriage from him. He is saying in effect: 'I love you before the Lord and I want you to be my wife.' A profession of love must always be a proposal of marriage and any man therefore who is not in a position to get married or who is not willing to marry the subject of his affections should restrain himself. Christian young men and women, if you are too young to get married, you are too young to have romantic partners!

Thirdly, as believers, we trust the Lord to overrule in all our circumstances for our good and for his glory. Therefore we should trust him to overrule in this most important of matters, namely, whom we are to marry. If we pray and look to him, then he will direct us to the right person at the right time. So until we are ready to get married, we should certainly be aware of potential wives and husbands but wait upon the Lord's timing and choice. We should not make and break relationships, trampling upon each other's hearts until we find the right person; this is not the way of Christ for his people: 'I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or by the does of the field, do not stir up love nor awaken love until it pleases.' (Song of Songs 2.7).

Mike Daly, the writer of this article, is the pastor of Great Whyte Baptist Church, Ramsey, Cambridgeshire. Reprinted with permission from Evangelical Magazine of Wales, August/ September 2000.

P.S. Pal and Anna were married in Romania on July 15.

© Evangelicals Now - December 2000