And we begin!!

Classes started this week. The great thing about my school is that the professors have a sense of humor. And they recognize that in our culture, youth entering new environments freeze up and act disinterested, aloof, and apathetic. So they pour on the humor and jiggle us out of our self-conscious stupor, thereby ceasing to put forth an exorbitant amount of energy into maintaining a facade of emotional invincibility so that we can actually absorb the wisdom and sagacity of our instructors, after which we inevitably engage in a debate that has been circulating christendom for the last thousand years, each determined to finally be that genius to crack the enigmatic code and declare the long-sought after answer to the great debates of Calvin, Arminius, Spurgeon, etc.
(I'm not sure if you can detect any cynicism there)
Being the generous soul that I am, I have concluded it would be selfish for me to store these great moments of humor and doctrinal-correctness to myself. Therefore, once again ladies and gentlemen, that annual college quotes. I hope you once again enjoy. This episode is of just three professors, as class was canceled today, and forgive my skepticism but I highly doubt any of the quotes I gather in tomorrow's math class will be worth forwarding on. You never know, though. I may have to compose a sequel at some point. Until then, here are gems of wisdom and humor from three beloved instructors at this institution:

"Who in this class hasn't had me before? *show of hands* Okay let your guard down. I'm the one person on the faculty you don't have to worry about. The one you have to worry about is him (points to the next classroom). He's like, a Nazi. I'm the ALLIED TROOPS."

"This gives me an opportunity to bash the NIV (New International Translation of the Bible)"

"We should be careful because I know we are not beyond depravity in this room: we should define what READING is. It means comprehending. It does not mean skimming, and it certainly doesn't mean glancing. Don't just open the book up, glance at the page and then close it. And definitely do NOT open the book, turn on the fan and let the pages blow. you need to be able to THINK about and PROCESS what you've read."

"In 728 BC there were a series of coups in Babylon which prompted the Assyrian Tiglith Pilasar III to enter Babylon. He then called himself 'Pul' but died the next year. I shouldn't laugh at someone dying, but with a name like Pilasar, and then renaming yourself three letters and DYING the next year..."

"I love how we say, "God bless this food and make it nourishment to our body." Would you say, "God bless this murder and use it for the glory of Your kingdom."? NO! But we ask God to bless a snickers! That just doesn't make sense to me!"

"Now ya'll are quiet and boring. But that's okay. We'll loosen you up."

"Contrary to nonsense that is commonly heard..."

"If you make fun of me for watching 'Saved By the Bell' I will fail you right now. Just don't even bother coming back tomorrow."

"If you want to cheat and lie, go ahead. But you should know that we professors pray for you. We pray for God's JUDGMENT, too. 'Lord, in Your grace and in Your mercy, just... GET THEM!"

"Some praise and worship songs are just 7-11 songs. Seven lines repeated eleven times. If repetition is the way to do it, lets just stick with the rosary! How many times do we have to say it before the Lord gets it?!"

"Now by saying these things it sounds like I'm going to put questions on the test from the Syllabus. That is just wrong! That's not wrong; that's satanic! That's what he (points to next classroom) would do! Remember, he's the Nazi, I'm the Allied Troops."

"No snacks in class. I know, it's over the lunch hour. But if I can't eat, you can't eat."

"No doubt you are going to encounter the first two chapters of Luke around Christmas time..."

"Sports require a helmet. GOLF DOESN'T COUNT! That's a hobby. Basketball they knock people around a bit so that sorta counts."

"Don't bother emailing assignments because they will be thoroughly ignored. Print off your papers, bring them up to my desk here. Lay your sacrifice on the alter - hopefully it won't be a burnt offering. Some of you run in here with that paper and its steaming; like its hot to the touch! I mean, don't rub it because you'll smear the words. No, DON'T do that! Plan ahead!"

"If you don't know New York, you should get to know New York."

"But as you can see, the grading scale is somewhat strenuous. This is where he (points to next classroom) becomes the Allied Troops and I become the Nazi. Okay I gotta trump him on something."

"Let classroom assignments be the means of the Lord sanctifying you into good time management."

"Pious tripe gets no more bizarre than praying about the obvious will of God. Religiosity does not get more complex than contemplating the location of their navels. God doesn't tell you (something) to ask your opinion. He tells you for obedience and for you to deliberate is rebellion."

"I don't want people calling me blaming me for your bad teaching. How do we keep that from happening? we beat it out of you. how do you purify silver and gold? Fire. Well, welcome to Bible College - the fire! And if that's not you or what you're about, well, there's time to get your tuition back. I mean that. I'd rather have 25 committed students than 56 undependable ones."

"If you have a legitimate reason for missing class that's fine. 'I overslept' is not a legitimate excuse. There's this place called Wal-mart and they sell these little box-shaped items that have these things called numbers in it and it makes noise in a beep-beeping fashion at you when you plug it in. GET ONE! If you fall asleep in class, I WILL have fun at your expense. I have been known to drop large heavy textbooks by sleeping students heads and they wake up like gunshots been fired. Then their face turns red because we all laugh."

"Legibility is defined by yours truly. Don't be like, 'well I can read it!' Of course you can read your own chicken scratch! Your mama can't, and I can't either!"

"Any Greek students in here? Ya'll are in for a rough semester. I mean, God bless you. Lord, help them!"

"'Dad, what's Trinity?'
'It's God.'
'So we have three gods?'
'No, that's heresy. Back in the day, that got you burned at the stake.' "

"Summarize the book. Don't write an interactive criticism of the book, because you don't know how to yet! Just show that you understand it!"

"The Dean is adamant that you work hard. I mean, think about it. Would you work any less for a pre-med degree? You will be dealing with the spiritually sick of heart whose souls are dying. We are gonna be sending you out as spiritual feild workers and we want you to be well prepared."