update yet again

Technically the semester is over for all the undergrad students. The graduate students - including my dear Roberto - have this week off for Thanksgiving and then finals are next week. Most undergrad's are rejoicing in the completion of the end of the semester. I am smiling, and trying to work up the discipline to finish up the half-semester's worth of homework I fell behind on.
I am truly pitiful in this regard right now. I simply
don't
want
to
do
it.

I want to go play in the leaves, cook delicious, unhealthy food with my friend Samantha, go for walks or sit on a bench with Robbie, play with my new hair-style my Ukrainian friend Olya gave me (Thanks Olya!!), goof off on the computer, listen to the Seminary guys debate minute details they have to think about for THEIR homework while I semi-blissfully blow off mine.
I also need to start thinking about going home for Christmas, transportation there and back, moving off campus next semester, fixing my van's windshield and registering it, packing up my room.
But its been a gorgeous Indian summer. Some girls have left for the holidays but lots of my good friends are still in the girls dorms and full of laughter and funny stories that I missed out on while all the chaos was raging around me earlier this semester.
There's blog posts from my mom to catch up on, new videos from the ministries I worked with in Romania to watch, international students with intriguing languages to try to learn, new holiday recipies to try.
But this paper needs to be written, the car NEEDS to be registered, that book needs to be read and reported on.
Blast.
And so I do the responsible thing. Flee to the Library where I can LOOK like I'm being mature and adult-ish and doing homework, but in reality am zooming around cyberspace, doing zilch.
So please pray that I will DESIRE to get stuff done in a timely manner, that I won't be overwhelmed by all the tiny details of responsibilities that must be done in the next few weeks.
See that's the thing. Its only two more weeks before all the deadlines hit, and then once thats done it's all over with. I just need to hold out for TWO MORE stinkin' weeks, then I'm FINISHED.
But I want the two weeks to be NOW. Shoot. C'mon Rachel, put your nose back to the grindstone for just a TEENSY bit more, then you can relax.

I'm also going through the realization that when I go home, there won't be an 8 foot Christmas tree waiting for me and an old farm house full of twinkle lights and holiday secrets hidden away in random corners of the house. There won't be an obnoxiously small, outdated Kitchen with half-working appliances somehow choking out festive, frothy drinks and delicious, unhealthy treats for us to munch on after getting in from the wind-swept, frozen 10 acres and chores.

If there is a house, it will be a rental house. The furniture won't be dilapidated yet full of fun memories of tickling siblings or naps after mission trips or fun movie-watching/quoting/commenting/anaylizing/diagnosing sessions. It will be new and might even match, and therefore not really mine.

Its hitting me that at some point I'll have to see the burned-out house, and that I'll probably cry, and thats not something I really want to do. I don't want to be emotional or sad or weak. It's Christmas, for freakin' crying out loud. I want to be the happy, bubbly Mary Poppins for my siblings who swoops in all cheery and sunshiny, with fun stories about college and girls dorms for my mom and sister and theological questions for my dad and fun stories about what the guys said and about what a particular guy said and getting Dad's all-wise, always knowing, usually humerous take on it.
And there will be a good deal of that, but it will also be a lot of processing, grieving, seeing the anxt and worry and grief my family is going through. Seeing the new lines of stress and worry on my parent's face and the new gray hairs in my dad's beard. Trying to be an encouragement for my sisters but not having the answers they want or need. Trying to hold up my brothers but not knowing how to really soothe where its hurting.

These thoughts pop in between the thoughts about where to take the car to get fixed, how to pay for this bill or that bill or thinking that bill was paid but it wasn't really, and that paper needs written and it'll be easy but I just don't want to do it.

And so I've successfully killed another 1/2 hour of time, not really getting anything productive done however getting some processing and venting done. Booh.

So now I really am off to write that paper.

~Princess Ouch~